TGIF: Yes, They Can Control the Weather

Greetings, and happy Friday. To the man who came to our debate last night with a laminated copy of TGIF and a Sharpie for me to sign it, I think we agreed you would ask for my autograph in front of a group of fifty or more. There were barely ten. Thanks for coming anyway, and to everyone who came out for our debate on whether America (the answer is: of course) should police (harder) the world (yes), it was great to see you. 

And now, to the news of the week. 

→ It’s a live broadcast: As Kamala Harris held a briefing with the Department of Homeland Security about Hurricane Milton ravaging Florida, her team was getting annoying in the earpiece. Kamala had to get them in line: “It’s a live broadcast,” she said, covering her mouth, on the live broadcast, annoyed. I imagine the Kamala Campaign HQ is just playing “Brat” remixes, so maybe it was that. Except, a few days earlier, her teleprompter had gone out, and Kamala got a look of abject fear across her face, laughed a lot, and seemed ready to break into dance. She is Veep, and it’s the best part about her. She acts like a random aunt who got shoved into the spotlight. She acts like me trying to give a bridesmaid toast. It’s a gaffe, technically. Like Donald Trump this week yelling at the Gays for Trump that they “don’t look gay” is a gaffe, technically. But these are my favorite parts about them. It’s the personality section of the pageant, and they’re both crushing. So follow me through a new journey: How I learned to give up and love our candidates!

→ 60 Minutes, at your service: Kamala gave an interview to the stately journalistic institution 60 Minutes and stumbled answering about Israel, which CBS released in a short trailer for the sit-down. Here’s how it went. 

Bill Whitaker: “It seems that Prime Minister Netanyahu is not listening.”

Kamala Harris: “Well, Bill, the work that we have done has resulted in a number of movements in that region by Israel that were very much prompted by, or a result of, many things, including our advocacy for what needs to happen in the region.” 

“Very much prompted by, or a result of, many things” is how I respond when Bari asks me why I’m serving cereal for dinner to our entire family for the third night in a row. But someone at CBS or the Kamala campaign (same same) didn’t like how Kamala said it. Someone didn’t approve. And so CBS News’s 60 Minutes literally edited out that answer and replaced it with a totally different one. The new one:

Bill Whitaker: “It seems that Prime Minister Netanyahu is not listening.”

Kamala Harris: “We’re not going to stop pursuing what is necessary for the United States to be clear about where we stand on the need for this war to end.” 

Just a completely different answer. This is like getting a do-over on the SAT, except they just erase your wrong answer and fill in the right one. Where I grew up, that’s just called paying for an ADD diagnosis. Of course, no journalism professors are up in arms. No big reflections on media bias and misinformation will come. It’s barely even news. 

(There is so much to send up about CBS this week, but I feel our coverage has been thorough.)

→ Disaster equity: Should FEMA helicopters try to rescue the most people they can find, or should they try to rescue the gayest people they can find? The answer is obvious, say these FEMA staff trainers. Setting aside the fact that gay people are less likely to know how to rainproof their houses, according to FEMA, “LGBTQIA people. . . already are struggling. They already have their own things to deal with, so you add a disaster on top of that, it’s just compounding on itself.” And: “FEMA relief is no longer about getting the greatest good for the greatest amount of people. . . . It’s about disaster equity."

That’s right. I’ll be flying away on a FEMA helicopter while some hoard of heterosexuals is left to swim. Good. Correct. Do not send that ladder to them while I am here, stretching out gayly. Haven’t I struggled enough? 

→ He only used the FEMA money on migrants if you like that he did: FEMA’s strapped for cash as Hurricane Milton pummels Florida. “We do not have the funds. FEMA does not have the funds to make it through the season,” said Homeland Security chief Alejandro Mayorkas. So people naturally have been wondering where the FEMA funds went. And it turns out, the Biden administration spent over $1 billion of FEMA money on migrant services. 

Here was White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre in 2022 explaining this: “FEMA regional administrators have been meeting with city officials on site to coordinate available federal support from FEMA and other federal agencies. Funding is also available through FEMA’s emergency food and shelter program to eligible local governments and not-for-profit organizations upon request to support humanitarian relief efforts for migrants.” 

But now, this week, it’s not cool to say that anymore. So here’s Jean-Pierre saying it’s always been false: “It’s just categorically false. No, Biden did not take FEMA relief money to use on migrants.” 

Here was ABC explaining how FEMA funding has gone to migrant services: “Federal lawmakers have negotiated $800 million to give out as grants to cities seeing an influx of migrants. Sources say Senator Chuck Schumer has already discussed with FEMA the allocation of a substantial amount of it for New York City.” 

And now here is ABC saying it’s “false” to claim Biden used FEMA funds on migrant services, a “baseless claim.” 

Anyway, if it did happen, which it didn’t, then it was Trump’s fault:

But if you like it, then it did happen, and it was Biden being gracious and welcoming. Okay? You follow?

→ Not to be outdone: The psychotic wing of the Republican party was going all in on the notion that “they” control the weather. They must have made the hurricane. Who is they? All libs? Jews? Jewish liberal lesbians? It’s unclear to me, but I feel I should be let in on this, as I fulfill many of these criteria and know the perfect weather—San Francisco spring, by which I mean sixty degrees, spitting rain, and gray skies. 

As for MTG, it’s good to really sit with this. This is a woman who was elected by Americans, who is paid by Americans, who walks into the hallowed halls of Congress. And the tweet is still up! This is a true and proud belief of hers. 

Anyway, let’s say they do control the weather. Don’t they love Biden? So what’s the incentive here for making the hurricane? Marjorie, stop throwing garlic at me—I just want to understand! 

→ Shouldn’t you drop out after all those assassination attempts? So many people have tried to kill Trump at this point. Which is all very sad, the media says, but also begs the crucial question: Shouldn’t he stop campaigning? After all these attempts on his life, that are so very sad and also that were probably staged by him for sympathy, shouldn’t Trump stop running for president? For his own safety. And isn’t it irresponsible for him to keep running? Is he not thinking about the safety of those around him? 

Trump says he’s in danger, yet curiously, he won’t hide in this super secure cell we’ve set up beautifully for him. You’ll have your own toilet! The lock is to protect you.

→ Hard sell for Trump Bibles: The Oklahoma State Department of Education is looking for 55,000 Bibles for their classrooms—for normal public-school reasons—and those Bibles have to fulfill a few very, very specific requirements. Nothing strange, just that along with the Old and New Testaments they need to also contain therewith a copy of the Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance. Oh! It looks like the only Bible that fulfills those commandments is the Donald J. Trump-certified TrumpBible. Yes, the God Bless the USA Bible, selling for only $59.99. “This large print Bible will be perfect to take to church,” reads the sales page. Or, I guess, to social studies.  

You can also order a more elite Bible such as one “embossed in remembrance of the day that God intervened during President Donald J. Trump’s assassination attempt.” Which, having studied his head tilt, I’m going to agree that God may have played a role, but I think it’s more like the Old Testament one. Only Jewish God would have the bullet clip his ear to make a point, I’m guessing, about not mixing linen and flax fabrics on the Sabbath. He works in mysterious ways.

Anyway, Oklahoma’s schoolchildren will surely get their 55,000 scam Bibles, in which Jesus gives his Sermon on the Mar-a-Lago to Melania Magdalene before he is betrayed by Mitch McConnell.