TGIF: We Are Not Going Back to What Has Been

Fine, you guys win. I’m so tired of my mailbox being flooded with handwritten notes about how I’m “not Nellie” and “will never be Nellie” and “you are not the funny lesbian” that I’m just going to do us all a favor and become Nellie. I’ve kidnapped a couple of babies, both of whom I’m currently breastfeeding, and I’m typing this in my best debutante gown while converting to Judaism. TGIF! 

→ And then there was Kamala: Vice President Harris officially accepted her party’s nomination on Thursday night with a speech that was confident, patriotic, and pretty damn presidential. 

Here’s the TL;DR, in order of appearance: hard work; family values; civil rights; fight for the little guy; Trump’s an asshole; January 6; democracy at stake; protect the middle class; jobs; economy; lower costs; cheaper groceries; Trump tax; your body, your choice; gun violence; gay stuff; clean air/water; climate change; voting rights; border security; space; cease-fire soonish but big hearts to Israel; wait, here’s a bone to Palestine too; folksy wisdom from Mom; strength; freedom; opportunity; dignity; We Are Not Going Back, We Are Not Going Back, We Are Not Going Back. 

That was pretty much it, and after four days of nonstop Democratic Party boosterism, I’d been so inundated with the message that Kamala Harris is the most qualified candidate to ever run for president, one who will usher in a new era of prosperity, that by the time she took Doug’s hand and retired backstage for a drink and a smoke, I almost, for a second, believed it. 

But then I remembered that politics is theater, that Joe Biden stepped down only because Nancy Pelosi held a gun to his head (and would have pulled the trigger), and that Harris was cast in this role not because the people choose her, but because Biden needed a brown woman to appease activists and then his brain turned to mush. A month ago, the only thing left of the KHive was four gay guys in P-Town snorting Adderall off a wicker coffee table; now it’s half the country! Whoever scripted this deserves an Oscar.

→ Dems come back to life: Just six weeks ago, as a bullet whizzed past Donald Trump’s ear and he popped back up onstage with one fist raised and the other clutching a bald eagle, it appeared the Democrats were doomed. No more. Against all odds, the party that until recently had the pallor of an 80-year-old on day sixteen of a Covid infection has regained its mojo, and that was abundantly clear at the DNC this week. 

Look, I hate everyone: Democrats, Republicans, all those dorky little third parties that keep trying to make libertarianism and/or socialism happen. They all suck. But I have to admit, the DNC put on a good show—especially compared to the Republican National Convention, which was so listless that not even Marjorie Taylor Greene bench-pressing Amber Rose could make it exciting. The DNC was good! Admit it. 

Monday night’s big finale was President Joe Biden, who didn’t forget where he was even though it was way past his bedtime. The crowd was in such a buoyant mood that no one mentioned that a month ago, they were all hoping Biden would choke on his overnight oats. The only bummer was that Joe was introduced by his daughter Ashley, who apparently exists, rather than his more entertaining son Hunter, who, unlike Ashley, always brings his own meth. 

Other highlights over the week included the roll call featuring the rapper Lil Jon, who, representing Georgia, somehow made electoral politics look, if not exactly cool, at least fun; Doug Emhoff blossoming into a wife guy; Oprah giving everyone in the audience a new car; and Hillary Clinton, awash in chants of “Lock him up,” somehow managing to not sound bitter about (once again) being replaced by a younger woman. 

Low points include J.B. Pritzker showing a printout of his bank balance; Tim Walz saying, with a straight face, that in his state they respect their neighbors’ choices; and Mayor Pete uttering the term soulcraft, which sounds like an exercise class involving kegels on the beach.