TGIF: The Ten-Pound Brain Administration

Welcome back. Strap on your N95s, tighten the laces to your Allbirds, and hike up that tote. We march into the news, boys. For all the new subscribers—hello, former WaPo readers—who are “confused” and “alarmed” by this column, that’s exactly right. 

→ Donald Trump is never wrong: Trumpo is storming early into D.C. after winning the White House, Congress, the popular vote, 100 percent of people who buy dogs instead of adopting them, the man cave and she shed demo, gays who love marriage, lesbians who hate it, anyone who has ever seen the inside of a Ford-150, and curiously, also every Latino who he specifically wants to deport. A mandate. And so, Trump has been blasting out nominations at record speed and seeing people fall in line. Per ABC News:

In the rush toward January, the answer to any Trump idea is YES. As Troy Nehls, a congressman from Texas, put it: “If Donald Trump says tariffs work, tariffs work. Period. Because Donald Trump is really never wrong.” Very interesting. I’m so glad political science as a discipline exists so people can learn fancy terms on flashcards, when actual politics is just a guy named Troy saying: Big man never wrong. Also Troy: “He’s got a ten-pound brain. Elon’s got a ten-pound brain. And we need to take advantage of that.” Now you’re telling me we’re going to have to get our brains weighed before we can apply for a job? (Just kidding, I would love that. My head is huge and presumably very heavy. Bring on the calipers!) 

In the flurry of nominations, we have my favorite: Linda McMahon, longtime Trump friend and ally with occasional cameos as a pro wrestler, who he’s nominated to be education secretary. Linda was previously the head of World Wrestling Entertainment—WWE, the largest wrestling promotion in the world, which she co-founded—and you can watch this video of her performing and getting “tombstoned,” I guess is the verb. Now she is set to become captain of American education. Phys ed is going to be wild. The new presidential fitness test will consist entirely of fake slapping fights and shirt ripping. No more push-ups. The presidential fitness test is how many dweebs can you tombstone in thirty minutes. 

→ More election data: Asian Americans moved very sharply to the right, and exit polls may even be understating the intensity. The Manhattan Institute’s Neetu Arnold this week crunched the numbers from heavily Asian neighborhoods around the country: “Majority-Asian precincts in New York City, for instance, saw a rightward shift of 31 percentage points. Precincts in Dallas and Fort Bend counties in Texas both saw rightward shifts between 17 and 20 points. And precincts in Chicago saw a 23-point shift to the right.” These are huge swings, and also not surprising. In San Francisco, the moderate movement—which saw the district attorney and school board members recalled in 2022 and then the mayor ousted this year—began as a revolt by Asian parents who were sick of the crime and sick of being accused of “white supremacist thinking” for wanting good public schools. The movement to save schools started on the Bay Area’s Mandarin-language airwaves. At the pro-recall booths set up at the city’s farmers markets, it was always Asian parents asking for signatures. 

The new multiracial MAGA coalition does not want to exist. No. These are not natural allies; rather, they were thrust together under a big camo tent. Unfortunately for the Dems, unlike the Ivy League, even demographics with bad personality scores get to vote. 

→ More on Matt Gaetz’s antics: Two women testified to the House Ethics Committee that Matt Gaetz paid them to have sex. One of those women was just 17 at the time; Gaetz apparently didn’t know it and stopped engaging with her when he found out, she testified. He allegedly paid the women over Venmo and PayPal, and texted about “vitamins” and “party favors,” which they say were codes for drugs. He also paid them for “being awesome” and “just because,” and don’t think I’m not texting Bari about my “being awesome” bonus. I usually worry about how old our congresspeople are, how many of them I know for a fact wear adult diapers (I have sources, and also, as a woman who’s given birth, there’s no shame!). But Gaetz has been a reminder that young politicians are, in fact, worse. Because if all politicians are sociopaths by default, then I’d rather have an old, tired sociopath than a young, virile one. I’d just rather the affairs be with the secretary than with. . . a minor who you have to pay via Venmo? What is this, a lemonade stand? An old senator will do anything for a large, comfortable living room in suburban Virginia. That’s their whole goal, and they’ll scheme to make sure they get it. A young one. . . well, there are other interests. The rooms, I’m guessing, have neon elements. 

In a late-breaking update, Gaetz has pulled out. I will make no further comment.