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Park Place's avatar

I could write so much about this, as an older therapist who treats lots of men in their 20's and 30's, as a father of 3 men in their 30's, only one of them married, and as a man married for 37 years or so.

A few bullet points in no particular order of value:

- Social skills among the younger are lacking. Lack of common courtesy and unwillingness to connect in analog ways until they have wrung too much out of technology. In other words, apps can be a good broad screen, but get on the phone with the person you match with. Hear his or her voice, perhaps do a video call. But not days of texts for goodness sake. If you think there is a connection, meet for a beer after work, or a coffee during the day. No costly and time eating dates absent a connection.

- Move on if there is a lack of congruence of values or attractiveness. I can't tell you how many times I have had patients who waste precious months or years with partners that they know in their hears are not a good fit. Especially for those in their 30's who want permanence, don't have a second or third date with a person you see little future in.

- Sexual/physical attraction matters. If it ain't there and you have no major barriers to finding it, move on. Do him or her a favor. This is as important as any other qualifier. One can learn so much about one's partner by the sort of lover they are or are not. Pay attention.

- Ladies especially, don't ghost people. Be decent and kind but tell the person wanting more from you that it is not a good fit, rather than ignoring them.

- It is a numbers game. Like a job hunt. Don't just put out one feeler and wait to see where it goes. Put out a number of them and get out and meet people. But be kind.

- Learn to be alone. There are great books to read. Better a nice night by oneself than a futile evening out now and then.

- Keep working on yourself. Be physically fit and intellectually alive.

- What you see is what you get. If you don't like it, move on. Do not get with a person who has an attribute or habit that you want to see change. If they are heavy and you want normal weight, expecting them to lose weight for you is foolish. If one wants a lot more or less sex than the other, don't expect change. If they drink too much, they won't get sober for you and so on.

- Women and men, consider and be open to new models of women marrying "down" economically or educationally. Men, consider being the one to stay home and care for kids while the woman is earning the big check. The math of how woman are outnumbering men in many professions and universities compels all to consider this or there will be a surplus of woman and men single not by choice.

- A shameless plug: Come to know yourself better, consider good therapy. It transformed my life decades ago.

- Seek integrity, kindness, self-knowledge and insight in oneself and others.

- As a society, lose the term toxic masculinity, or use the corollary of toxic femininity, which we all know when we see it, the vamping shallow gal who uses sexuality as a lever, who claims to be a feminist but wants her way paid for, who treats men with disrespect and contempt. I'm not sure what percent of women they represent, but I think they are similar in number to the male counterpart we love to diss. Whether man or woman, if they are toxic in how they treat others, move on quickly.

- The only person who knows you had a bad date last week is you. Assume that anyone open to meeting you is wanting something they don't currently have and there is a reason they are in the dating market. Just like a prospective employer knows that the candidates they are seeing have a reason they are looking for work, or open to interview. The question should be what can this person do for you and what can you do for them, not why are they single? Though it certainly is wise to do some research on the person's history. Check their social media or more if any yellow flags appear.

- On the topic of social media, and I may be showing my age here, keep some things to yourself. I have been to some beautiful places, had some wonderful meals and met some fine people. But I don't post pictures of them on Facebook and do not have an Instagram page. Less may be more. Bragging and showing off is unseemly and undignified.

I could go on and am likely blanking on some important points, but thats it for now.

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