‘How you help them learn to be present, in a task or with a relationship, is one of the top challenges of our generation. Part of that is going to be saying no.’
Hey that’s us! We waited until their 16th birthday before our kids could go on social media. They got Crickets in case of emergency and childhood memories instead of cache folders.
So on point! I shared this article with our HS principle and a school board member. We also are so grateful for Gabb and I think our teen is as well as he doesn’t have to pull out a flip phone! We tried the parental controls on iPhones and let me tell you- those kids find a workaround if they are determined enough! We finally got tired of policing whether or not they had hacked the parental controls and got rid of them all together.
Just as television destroyed the attention span (you can look it up), "smart" phones destroy all the higher functions of life. Will it be any more controlled than was TV? Nope. Too much money to be made in both cases.
It probably helps to remember that as a parent, your job isn't to be your child's friend or ensure their happiness; it's to raise a minimally well-adjusted and productive member of society. Then you get to spoil your grandchildren.
Just a thought – what will happen once you do get your child a phone at age 11 / 13 / 18 / whatever? Especially after a loooong wait and a lot of tension around the issue? I don't think they will magically start using it in a super responsible way, irrespective of how long you wait... adults have phone addiction issues, too. Everyone who receives their first phone after a long period of denial will go through a period of fascination with their new toy. I believe it is better to get this over with when your children still spend a lot of time at home with you rather than let them go through it at college, where, we can all agree, the external environment can be a lot more sinister and unsupportive of reasonable behaviour. It's kind of like alcohol, smoking, etc. The stricter you are about it, the more attractive it will be for them, the crazier they will go once they get their hands on it.
This doesn't seem contentious to me. I'm in my 40s; I grew up without a cell phone, and I remember that it's humanly possible. A while back my husband and I decided that our kids can theoretically get a phone at age 16. In the meantime, we got a landline so they can socialize with their friends.
We also haven't bought them computers. Each child was given one of our used up old laptops for school work, and they opted to save their money (from gifts, allowances and "jobs") to buy parts for and build their own gaming PCs (they also received some parts as gifts from family members). And they have limited non-school-related computer time hours (7 hours per week, which feels like a lot to me but that's where we're at). Which is to say, at ages 10 and 12, they know how to exist without a screen.
They lament the no-smartphone situation only when talking with a friend who has one. Otherwise it's not an issue. Regardless, disappointment is a part of life.
My kids, now 20 and 18, got smart phones in 8th grade. The key is to keep accounts private and to not have your kids post a lot. My daughter reads other people's posts, but doesn't post that often. Also, I told them not to post anything that their grandmother wouldn't be ok with-- no sexting, no political rants etc. I think it's naive to cut kids off completely because isolation is hard on mental health. The fact is that Instagram is used by their schools to show school trips and happenings around school. (Gen Z don't use FB anymore.) As long as social media is used in moderation and is used to connect with friends, it's not an issue. (They also prefer to FaceTime or see their friends IRL.) My adult "friends" on FB, though? I've never seen such nastiness among adults. It's the Gen X and Millenials who are the problem. People bully others based on different politics. They aren't just sending cat pictures. They are mean AF, so that's why I'm rarely on anymore.
We have a 2 year old, and I’m constantly amazed by the amount of articles out there explaining how much screen time is ok for a child that age. It’s always an absurd amount. But whenever we go out to eat - which is pretty rare these days because, 1, we have to pay for daycare, which is hard enough for our family with two parents making a good living, and, 2, we have a 2 year old - and see that the phone is basically the babysitter for kids of the same age.
It’s really too bad. Your kids are worth getting to know. They have to learn how to behave, and it won’t happen if you just distract them (I say as I type on my iPhone while sitting in the chair in my kid’s room waiting for him to go to sleep).
We gave our child a Pinwheel phone at 11 years old because all of her peers had phones. Pinwheel has even more protections and parental controls than Gabb. But honestly, it was awful and she's now approaching 12 and we've taken it away. Our home life is a zillion times better without her having a phone and she's a happier kid.
She protests, says all the other kids have, not just phones, but iPhones and I tell her she needs to understand that our family isn't like all the others and that's that. I can see that some part of her understands. And another wants to belong and do what everyone else is doing.
Honestly I feel rage about the issue. Rage at the parents who just sleepily go along with it, rage with the tech companies, rage with the lack of regulation. This is affecting a whole generation's brain development, self regulation, sense of self and interiority and so much more. It's painful to see so many people sleep walking.
Sally, Thanks! It would be great to see a national effort to do so. A marketing campaign around it. It would be interesting to see how this would play out.
Smartphones, iPads, social media, excessive screen time &video games: cause sleep deprivation, insomnia, depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders & suicide in kids & teens. They are addictive &destructive.
My kids are aged 7,4,newborn. They have no devices & they only watch my iPhone for 15 min/day when Im brushing/flossing their teeth before bed. They play outside in the yard/playground or basement if weather is bad. If we have to do cartoons, once in a while, we put them on the tv & monitor what theyre watching.
My 7 yo is already asking about a phone/iPad. We will be the Last Parents to get her a smartphone, likely 8th grade. maybe 5th grade, we’ll get her a simple, no data no WiFi phone: a phone that can call/text only. In 8th grade, when we do get her a smartphone, I will install parental controls & a way for me to see everything she sees.
I got my children their first smart phones when they were in 8th grade. I regret it to a degree, but we have some guidelines about its use. I would like to see a cellular company offer phones that do not have internet access. Only texting and calls. That's it. That's all these kids need. How about we call the phones only used for texting and calling smartphones?
I am a software engineer and the only reason I got my first ever smartphone two years ago was because during COVID, entry to my local library and a couple of other places required sign-in with the government app in my country. (When it happened, a friend joked: "Welcome to the 2010s.") Otherwise, I think I might never have bothered.
Take it from a techie: you can totally live without those damned things. From its invention in 2008 until 2022 when I bought one, I never felt bereft of anything that really mattered. And my mind remains uncluttered and undistracted, even though I have one now.
We bought one for our 14 yr old, he was the last in his friend group to get a smart phone. Deeply regret it. He’d play games on his phone until his brain melts if we’d let him. Now we have a lot more restrictions on it and he’s pretty mad. Don’t cave to the pressure like we did, resist!
I have counseled families for 30 years, and in recent years I uniformly recommend strongly that children not have smartphones until they leave home after high school. The results are uniformly positive. But the simple removal of phones is not enough. Children must be provided with a richly nourishing environment by unconditionally loving parents. THAT is a tall order for most parents. But it can be done. See RealLoveParents.com
Hey that’s us! We waited until their 16th birthday before our kids could go on social media. They got Crickets in case of emergency and childhood memories instead of cache folders.
So on point! I shared this article with our HS principle and a school board member. We also are so grateful for Gabb and I think our teen is as well as he doesn’t have to pull out a flip phone! We tried the parental controls on iPhones and let me tell you- those kids find a workaround if they are determined enough! We finally got tired of policing whether or not they had hacked the parental controls and got rid of them all together.
Just as television destroyed the attention span (you can look it up), "smart" phones destroy all the higher functions of life. Will it be any more controlled than was TV? Nope. Too much money to be made in both cases.
The strength of “no.”
It probably helps to remember that as a parent, your job isn't to be your child's friend or ensure their happiness; it's to raise a minimally well-adjusted and productive member of society. Then you get to spoil your grandchildren.
Just a thought – what will happen once you do get your child a phone at age 11 / 13 / 18 / whatever? Especially after a loooong wait and a lot of tension around the issue? I don't think they will magically start using it in a super responsible way, irrespective of how long you wait... adults have phone addiction issues, too. Everyone who receives their first phone after a long period of denial will go through a period of fascination with their new toy. I believe it is better to get this over with when your children still spend a lot of time at home with you rather than let them go through it at college, where, we can all agree, the external environment can be a lot more sinister and unsupportive of reasonable behaviour. It's kind of like alcohol, smoking, etc. The stricter you are about it, the more attractive it will be for them, the crazier they will go once they get their hands on it.
This doesn't seem contentious to me. I'm in my 40s; I grew up without a cell phone, and I remember that it's humanly possible. A while back my husband and I decided that our kids can theoretically get a phone at age 16. In the meantime, we got a landline so they can socialize with their friends.
We also haven't bought them computers. Each child was given one of our used up old laptops for school work, and they opted to save their money (from gifts, allowances and "jobs") to buy parts for and build their own gaming PCs (they also received some parts as gifts from family members). And they have limited non-school-related computer time hours (7 hours per week, which feels like a lot to me but that's where we're at). Which is to say, at ages 10 and 12, they know how to exist without a screen.
They lament the no-smartphone situation only when talking with a friend who has one. Otherwise it's not an issue. Regardless, disappointment is a part of life.
My kids, now 20 and 18, got smart phones in 8th grade. The key is to keep accounts private and to not have your kids post a lot. My daughter reads other people's posts, but doesn't post that often. Also, I told them not to post anything that their grandmother wouldn't be ok with-- no sexting, no political rants etc. I think it's naive to cut kids off completely because isolation is hard on mental health. The fact is that Instagram is used by their schools to show school trips and happenings around school. (Gen Z don't use FB anymore.) As long as social media is used in moderation and is used to connect with friends, it's not an issue. (They also prefer to FaceTime or see their friends IRL.) My adult "friends" on FB, though? I've never seen such nastiness among adults. It's the Gen X and Millenials who are the problem. People bully others based on different politics. They aren't just sending cat pictures. They are mean AF, so that's why I'm rarely on anymore.
We have a 2 year old, and I’m constantly amazed by the amount of articles out there explaining how much screen time is ok for a child that age. It’s always an absurd amount. But whenever we go out to eat - which is pretty rare these days because, 1, we have to pay for daycare, which is hard enough for our family with two parents making a good living, and, 2, we have a 2 year old - and see that the phone is basically the babysitter for kids of the same age.
It’s really too bad. Your kids are worth getting to know. They have to learn how to behave, and it won’t happen if you just distract them (I say as I type on my iPhone while sitting in the chair in my kid’s room waiting for him to go to sleep).
We gave our child a Pinwheel phone at 11 years old because all of her peers had phones. Pinwheel has even more protections and parental controls than Gabb. But honestly, it was awful and she's now approaching 12 and we've taken it away. Our home life is a zillion times better without her having a phone and she's a happier kid.
She protests, says all the other kids have, not just phones, but iPhones and I tell her she needs to understand that our family isn't like all the others and that's that. I can see that some part of her understands. And another wants to belong and do what everyone else is doing.
Honestly I feel rage about the issue. Rage at the parents who just sleepily go along with it, rage with the tech companies, rage with the lack of regulation. This is affecting a whole generation's brain development, self regulation, sense of self and interiority and so much more. It's painful to see so many people sleep walking.
Sally, Thanks! It would be great to see a national effort to do so. A marketing campaign around it. It would be interesting to see how this would play out.
I am one of these parents. I am a pediatrician. I joined https://www.waituntil8th.org.
Smartphones, iPads, social media, excessive screen time &video games: cause sleep deprivation, insomnia, depression, anxiety, self harm, eating disorders & suicide in kids & teens. They are addictive &destructive.
My kids are aged 7,4,newborn. They have no devices & they only watch my iPhone for 15 min/day when Im brushing/flossing their teeth before bed. They play outside in the yard/playground or basement if weather is bad. If we have to do cartoons, once in a while, we put them on the tv & monitor what theyre watching.
My 7 yo is already asking about a phone/iPad. We will be the Last Parents to get her a smartphone, likely 8th grade. maybe 5th grade, we’ll get her a simple, no data no WiFi phone: a phone that can call/text only. In 8th grade, when we do get her a smartphone, I will install parental controls & a way for me to see everything she sees.
I got my children their first smart phones when they were in 8th grade. I regret it to a degree, but we have some guidelines about its use. I would like to see a cellular company offer phones that do not have internet access. Only texting and calls. That's it. That's all these kids need. How about we call the phones only used for texting and calling smartphones?
You can absolutely buy phones with no internet access, that only text and call. That’s what we plan to get our kids when they are in junior high.
We bought one of those phones in Walmart a few years back for our nanny. It was a Tracfone. It was inexpensive.
I just did a google search and there’s many choices:
https://www.whistleout.com/CellPhones/Guides/best-no-data-cell-phone-plans
This also looks like it’s for kids:
https://www.bark.us/learn/bark-phone-wifi-talk-text-only-ps/?utm_source=aw&utm_medium=paid-search&utm_campaign=features-phone-google&utm_content=145858068232&utm_term=e&gclid=Cj0KCQjwyLGjBhDKARIsAFRNgW8vmzEFFeBLHs7mczXV1YhOQlxo_eGw38LRl2BsuIOtNzqxKYAO7RMaAkR_EALw_wcB
I am a software engineer and the only reason I got my first ever smartphone two years ago was because during COVID, entry to my local library and a couple of other places required sign-in with the government app in my country. (When it happened, a friend joked: "Welcome to the 2010s.") Otherwise, I think I might never have bothered.
Take it from a techie: you can totally live without those damned things. From its invention in 2008 until 2022 when I bought one, I never felt bereft of anything that really mattered. And my mind remains uncluttered and undistracted, even though I have one now.
We bought one for our 14 yr old, he was the last in his friend group to get a smart phone. Deeply regret it. He’d play games on his phone until his brain melts if we’d let him. Now we have a lot more restrictions on it and he’s pretty mad. Don’t cave to the pressure like we did, resist!
I have counseled families for 30 years, and in recent years I uniformly recommend strongly that children not have smartphones until they leave home after high school. The results are uniformly positive. But the simple removal of phones is not enough. Children must be provided with a richly nourishing environment by unconditionally loving parents. THAT is a tall order for most parents. But it can be done. See RealLoveParents.com