TGIF: This Establishment Accepts Presidential Prison Coins

Hello and welcome back. You know what this is. It’s the playpen Bari gave me so I stop ranting at her about student debt relief while she’s just trying to rest for five minutes please. To the news. 

→ Hunter Biden is convicted: The First Son is now, along with the Republican front-runner, a convicted felon. He’s been found guilty on three felony gun charges: lying to a federally licensed gun dealer, making a false claim on the federal firearms application used to screen applicants, and possession of an illegally obtained gun. Oprah voice: You get a conviction! You get a conviction! Everybody gets a conviction! No one has done more to destigmatize the “convicted felon” label than our Hunter and our Trumpo, because now I hear it and I just see a wayward son who needs some therapy and a statesman who ruffled some feathers. The Hunter-Trumpo felon-ship is being sold to us as a sort of tit-for-tat, like both sides did a little political prosecution and now it’s even steven. But I would say, one side is trying to imprison the opposition’s political leader and current presidential front-runner, while the other side is just hoping to imprison his son. It’s fair now to take a moment to thank IRS whistleblowers Gary Shapley and Joseph Ziegler, who said they faced “unprecedented meddling” when working on the Hunter Biden case, including a “slow-walked” investigation.

The New York Times, which will delete its own website before admitting they got anything wrong about Biden, Russia, or Covid, is still saying the Hunter Biden laptop could all be fake: “Many claims about the laptop’s contents have not been proved, but it played a role in the prosecution of Mr. Biden over a firearm purchase.” Hmmm. Claims. Not been proved. Reminder: Mark Zuckerberg said in 2022 that the FBI itself pressured Facebook to suppress any information or conversation that looked to be Russian disinfo, and then a bunch of intelligence officials said the laptop was exactly that, and Facebook employees said “yes, sir” and took it from there. 

Anyway, Biden is clean! Sure, all his family members are constantly saying he’s helping them do shady deals with foreign interests, but that’s not Squeaky Joe. See, according to Politico this week, it’s his staff who handle most of it. When I want to propose a bribe-for-TGIF-item scheme, I have Just the Facts Coby handle that, so, I’m not involved at all: 

→ Republicans vs. IVF: As polls look to favor the right, America’s conservatives know just what to focus on. No, not the border. No, no, not the debt. Education? Shut up! They’re looking for something where their position is profoundly unpopular and, to most people, sort of random. And they have found it: IVF. Yeah, rich women making babies when they’re 37, even 38, freaky ages where their faces look gray and saggy. Guys with weak sperm managing to still eke out a kid. Doesn’t it feel like that oughta be illegal? A couple who’ve tried to conceive naturally but for some reason it’s not taking. Embarrassing, right? 

On Wednesday, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to condemn IVF. I’m not opposed to this endless debate, because it is interesting to talk about life and to argue over the origins, even as I always end up pro-choice. I’m mostly just baffled why now is the time to make this the centerpiece conversation. The hill to die on. The embryo to destroy, if you will. The next day, after Democrats put up a bill to enshrine protections for IVF into federal law, Senate Republicans voted to block it. 

Anyway, next thing you know the Southern Baptists are going to be knocking computers out of men’s laps—there are good swimmers in there. Stop sous vide’ing future Americans.

→ Trump vs. Milwaukee: Trump reportedly called Milwaukee “a horrible city.” Now Republicans are jumping to his defense, saying he never said that. And also, he did and he was correct. Have Republicans ever heard of a group text? Coordinate your cover-up, boys. In terms of Trump verbal scandals, this is so minor it’s almost embarrassing to me, but it’s what I’ve got. Wake me up when it’s grab ’em by the pussy o’clock. 

→ A grim new weekly feature: Here are the latest absolutely terrifying videos of our president. Whatever you think of Biden—be you to his right or be you throwing pigs’ blood at the White House right now (i.e., to his left)—you should want our president to succeed. To project strength, for all of our sakes. This week we have: Biden stiff, his limbs locked, and his face looking confused, for a painfully extended period of time while everyone around him dances and claps at a Juneteenth celebration. He looked like he’d stumbled out of a nursing home but into a nice background while Doug Emhoff stood by, all “I should be in a hot tub in Malibu right now.”

We also have Biden rambling a bunch of nonsensical syllables in a speech and seeming to not notice. We have him with the G7 leaders to watch a demonstration but wandering away, looking confused, alarming the other Gs, until the Italian prime minister pulls him back into the group. Four more years! Four more years!