What I like to do to honor Thanksgiving is think about all the things I should have, but don’t.
This year the theme is Bitcoin. Why don’t I have some? I was writing about Bitcoin back in 2014. I came back from a conference and laughed my head off at how silly it was. Money that doesn’t exist! I shook my head knowingly with fellow Berkeleyites. As if all our dollars really existed. As if I understood fungibility. Now, with Bitcoin about to hit $100,000 a pop, I think of the ways I would be thankful if I had a bunch of those, tons and tons of them. Everyone around me seems to have Bitcoin. My wife’s scruffy cousin appears to have a little pep in his step, doesn’t he? The teenager who doesn’t want to babysit this year, you say? I look at my children and then think of the times I almost bought Bitcoin and how thankful I would be to rewind the clock and move my one little finger to click BUY.
Anyway, I don’t have a lick of crypto. All I have is good food, good kids, a good wife, high cheekbones, and this column. And I’d trade nothing except the colicky baby for a Bitcoin. Also:
→ Dr. Jill Biden: After watching a funny short video that shows Joe Biden seeming to wander into an Amazon rainforest, I realized to my shock that Joe Biden is still there. He’s still standing at podiums looking translucent and confused, but technically upright. When I see him, every fiber in my body wants to put a blanket over his shoulders. And so this year, I’m thankful for our presumed president: Dr. Jill Biden.
Someone is running things. Someone is pressing buttons. Signing papers. Fulfilling the Biden-Harris doctrine: forgiving student loans, flying Nayib Bukele’s prisoners to the Upper West Side, and scraping the bottom of the Social Security bucket to be sure every Boomer gets a new car. It could be a team. It could be the Deep State. But I know it’s not. I know it’s The Doctor.
She wanted more. She wanted four years. They would be her years. Jill’s time, the Doctor’s Presidency. Hunter would help. Those were wrenched from her when the party machine decided Kamala would be better than having Dr. Jill behind the wheel. But the doctor knew that would never work—and she may never look at Kamala again.
And so Jill, if I may, I want you to enjoy these last days in power. You’re not the president America expected or wanted or legally recognizes, but you’re the one we have. The International Criminal Court can’t arrest you if you never let them catch you, Dr. Jill.
→ The Kamala Harris campaign: I’m thankful for Kamala Harris’s campaign. First of all, they raised $1.5 billion dollars and spent it in 15 weeks. It sounds wasteful. But in fact, taking $1.5 billion dollars from some of America’s silliest people and then giving it away to hardworking ones is what I call distributive justice. Just think of the caterers who had to work around literally dozens of Kamala staff’s allergies and gluten intolerances. They deserved that cash. Think of the event planners, young women who want to save up for their own extravagant eco resort weddings. Kamala gave them a shot at Hawaii instead of the Dominican Republic. Think of the driver of that abortion van clocking overtime during the DNC who just told himself “eyes ahead, not your problem, eyes ahead.” So many worthy Americans.
But most importantly: I’m grateful that this movement refuses to accept they could have done anything better. Anything at all.
As Nate Silver put it, in a very Nate Silver-y way: “The Harris campaign folks are the most non-agentic people I’ve encountered in a position of comparable decision-making authority. They don’t even see themselves as victims so much as non-player characters with no will of their own.” When you see everyone as simply a product of their circumstances, you can’t imagine that choice or work matters. The dominant progressive thinking on criminal justice is that no one chooses to rape or kill—but that hurt people hurt people. By that same logic, Kamala Harris of course could not have done anything other than respond to every policy question with “I am from a middle-class family.” How do you plan to support our allies in the South China Sea in light of recent intercontinental ballistic missile tests? You see, Kamala Harris’s mom didn’t buy a house until she was in high school. And what about inner-city reading scores? Did you know Kamala earned what she had—she didn’t have a rich father who gave it to her?
They will continue to march forever, never correcting course, never compromising, never changing. And we shouldn’t get in their way. Because as this movement departs, a new, smarter Democratic Party can rise. Which brings me to my next point.
→ Parks: I didn’t fully appreciate the miracle of a city park until I had kids in New York, where parks are kept clean by the local police state. But I love them (parks, that is, withholding judgment on the kids until age 25 at the earliest, and police states until I see how the inauguration goes). For the last decade, across the American West, there’s been a collapse in park quality and a demonization of anyone who wants clean, safe parks as somehow evil and right wing. So I’m very grateful for this year’s winning message: “Hey, what if we have well-funded and also clean public parks.”
Because look at who swept San Francisco! We’re so back, baby. Republicans, enjoy your time in the sun, cutting Medicaid and privatizing air pockets and making us all carry Elon Musk’s children. Because I promise the moderate liberal (mod lib for short) is coming back nationally. Just as soon as we finish the California high-speed rail, we will rise again. We will make pragmatic decisions. We will agree with whatever the last person to talk to us about an issue said. We will take back our parks!
→ Matt Gaetz withdrawing: It was fast and complete. He went from MAGA superstar to appearing on Cameo selling birthday greetings, in record time. He made Anthony Scaramucci look like a veteran statesman. Never have I seen such quick justice. And I feel it’s a good omen for the next four years. Yes, these years will test us. Yes, the word shameless will likely be used a lot. But clearly, some shame worked. Courses were corrected. I’m thankful for that.
→ Freedom of speech: I’m thankful this year for the First Amendment. I never understood how precious it was, or how rare, but watching European countries send cops to people’s houses for barely controversial Facebook posts has shocked me. I know we have European readers and writers, so please know I stand with you, and I hope you don’t take it personally when I say I’m so glad our forefathers fled your lands and burned the boats. We’ll do our best now to save you through a process that I can only describe as colonialism (Free Press expansion into Europe). God bless America. And Little America, as we’ll call England!
Your regularly scheduled TGIF will return next week as a double issue. Yes, we’re going to crack 10,000 words next week, I can feel it. Bar says she’ll double the cocaine in my coffee. Continue to submit Where I TG to TGIF@thefp.com. And use these comments to tell your fellow TG readers what you’re grateful for. It goes without saying that I’m very grateful to all of you. Writing this each week brings me more joy than I should admit.
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