TGIF: Mystical Old Man Era

Hello and welcome back to TGIF. You know what we do here. We do news, folks. 

→ Good days and bad days: Brave whistleblowers are coming out recently to say, “Guys. . . Biden. . . he’s so old, have you noticed?” And Democrats have no good response, even though there is a whole bench of nice, normal-aged options to swap in. This week there’s a mega Wall Street Journal investigation, including this detail from a major war funding meeting about Ukraine: “He read from notes to make obvious points, paused for extended periods, and sometimes closed his eyes for so long that some in the room wondered whether he had tuned out.” He sounds like me trying to break up with someone. He sounds like me as a stoned teenager running into my mom. You get it. “The White House and top aides said he remains a sharp and vigorous leader.” But over and over the investigation emphasizes: there are good days, and there are bad days. Like when you’re recovering from hip surgery. But just watch him at this wreath-laying ceremony with 46-year-old Emmanuel Macron: the look of confusion on Biden’s face; the moment he sort of starts to sit down but pauses; how Jill Biden leads him offstage as Macron springs around agile, alive, shaking hands, using his brain to tell his body where to go. At this point my theory is that Biden and his team know he cannot govern anymore and cannot even be an effective figurehead for staff machinations. So the theory: if Biden wins, he resigns, citing new health information, and Kamala Harris becomes president. In fact, I’d bet money on that. Please bet among yourselves in the comments. Other publications may have cooking apps. I have no problem becoming a betting app. 

→ Sir, you definitely said “Lock her up”: Old Orange has a new argument: he never said that Hillary Clinton should be jailed. Direct quote from a friendly Fox & Friends interview: “I didn’t say ‘Lock her up.’ ” Huh! Very, very interesting. Sadly, I don’t think we can point to cognitive decline. I don’t think Trump is just confused by the question. He doesn’t stare blankly into the distance afterward. He’s sharp as a tack, and lying. See now that Hillary is chanting “Lock her up” at him, it’s making him feel weird.

“I beat her—it’s easier when you win. And they all said, ‘Lock her up.’ And I felt—and I could have done it—but I felt it would have been a terrible thing. And then this happened to me. And so I may feel differently about it—I can’t tell you. I’m not sure I can answer the question. Hillary Clinton, I didn’t say ‘Lock her up,’ but the people would all say, ‘Lock her up. Lock her up.’ Okay, then we won. And I’d say, and I said pretty openly, I say, ‘All right, come on, just relax,” Yes, that’s Trump, always saying “relax.” The calming, staid voice of our nation.

→ Now the Hunter trial: Each presidential candidate has a very uncomfortable trial involving sex workers—it’s part of the election process, a little-known amendment—and this week it’s the Biden family’s turn. The crime: Hunter Biden (allegedly) illegally purchased and possessed a gun during a crack cocaine binge. Now, it’s pretty obvious he’s going to be found—or should be found—guilty, given all the pictures of Hunter with strippers and drugs and, of course, the gun (so fun to wave! Very cool and badass). All the evidence is coming from his leaked laptop, which for years journalists and Big Tech companies told us was fake and banned. (Biden, of course, called the laptop “a Russian plant,” citing “fifty former national intelligence folks,” which tells you everything you need to know about our national intelligence folks and their goals.) Here is a viral super-cut that’s just twenty minutes of the media calling the Hunter Biden laptop Russian fake news disinformation. 

Still, if you can see that Trump’s New York trials were obviously politically motivated, you should be able to see that the Hunter Biden case is too. Do you know how many crackheads illegally have guns? Find me a crackhead who doesn’t have a gun. Crackheads love guns and rightly so—it’s chaotic out there for a crackhead, and they need protection from the other crackheads. Police abolition has actually been the norm for decades in the crackhead-with-a-hooker-problem community, which is so beautiful, and activists should be proud. I’m not defending Hunter Biden’s general behavior, nor Trump’s. But this case, even if on more solid legal footing than the fake one Alvin Bragg came up with—is still lawfare. This is the courts being used to humiliate and kneecap presidential contenders during the last mile of a presidential race. It’s dark arts. And it can be used against any of us red-blooded Americans. Do you know how many laws I’ve broken? I won’t list them here, because a New Yorker writer will call the authorities, but suffice it to say I can think of four off the top of my head right now, and one of them rhymes with “permitless deck.” The others aren’t at Hunter or Trump levels, but a girl can dream. 

→ Keep saying “felon”: Alex Soros, the young heir who is taking the reins from George, and—in a move that seems like it’s just poking the Q-bear, also dating former Hillary aide Huma Abedin—is active on Twitter. And it’s a lot harder to say any discussion of Soros funding is conspiratorial when they’re bragging about it.

We get it, Alex! You funneled money through shell nonprofits to get Alvin Bragg to be the prosecutor, and you’re so proud of the job you and he are doing! You’re a very good nepo baby. But also, it’s funny because this is how Soros’s Open Society Foundation wants us talking about felons who want jobs generally. The number one rule: “1. Refrain from inquiring about an individual’s conviction history until after extending a conditional offer of employment.” Which is it, guys?

Newly convicted felon Trump raised $53 million off of that conviction, so maybe the word really has been destigmatized. Thank you, Soros family.

Also, please read the great Matt Taibbi on this case. Among many things he reminded me about is this old news from the AP: “Hillary Clinton’s 2016 presidential campaign and the Democratic National Committee have agreed to pay $113,000 to settle a Federal Election Commission investigation into whether they violated campaign finance law by misreporting spending on research that eventually became the infamous Steele dossier.” Misreporting spending. On something meant to sway the election. Interesting.