TGIF: Back with a Bang

We had a replacement lined up for this week, but he backed out, citing the need for sobriety and dignity during such a time as this. Me, I don’t care about those things. I look danger in the face. I see a sloped roof, and I climb right on with an eagle on my shoulders and a newborn slung to my chest. I shoot my own ear to show that I’m all in for America. TGIF. 

→ Trump, Hulk Hogan, Biden: Hulk Hogan set up the RNC’s big final act by tearing his shirt off to reveal another shirt that read—what else—TRUMP/VANCE as he screamed “let Trumpomania run wild, brother, let Trumpomania rule again” (Donald then blew him a kiss). And then boom, Hollywood lights came up like it was the musical Chicago! Out strode a new, toned-down, spiritual Trump. His convention speech started strong, normal, even moving. Even those who hate Trump had to admit that the retelling of his brush with death was kind of riveting. 

And then. Well, then it just never ended. He said every word there was to say. An excerpt: “Has anyone ever seen Silence of the Lambs? The late, great Hannibal Lecter is a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner.” He continued, “They’re emptying out their mental institutions into the United States, our beautiful country.” When Trump said the speech was wrapping up, that was Trump just being a silly flirt. The thing finally clocked in at one hour, 32 minutes.

At the start of the speech, I thought Trump had this election pretty well cinched. But if a functional, fully alert Democrat was the nominee, honestly, it would be a toss-up! As the pollster Dave Wasserman put it: “Periodic reminder that someone is going to have to win the 2024 election despite their best efforts not to.” My main remaining question is regarding Usha Vance, J.D.’s very smart and lovely wife. See, I’m not seeing filler. I’m not seeing a wig. I’m not even seeing an earring! I’m seeing a look of shock and alarm. How long will she resist the Trumpification? 

Meanwhile, Democrats are going for the jugular with Joe. Apparently, he hadn’t taken the very strong hints—you know, of every swing state going for Trump—so staffers for Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer spent the week leaking details about how they had meetings with Biden and told him to resign. Nancy Pelosi is a killer—she will put a horse’s head in Biden’s bed, and she’ll have sliced it off herself. Once Nancy turns on you, you’re done. The journalist Mark Halperin reported that he’s hearing Biden will withdraw his nomination by Sunday and that Jon Meacham is punching up the speech. Then Meacham said it was totally false. What’s true? What’s false? I haven’t slept in five days and don’t even know my own name. 

→ Someone really almost killed Trump: A 20-year-old man named Thomas Matthew Crooks pitched a large ladder and climbed the roof of a building during a Trump rally, posted up with a “semiautomatic AR-style rifle,” and fired at the former president. Trump was saved only by a last-second turn of the head—the bullet whizzed through his ear. As Secret Service swarmed him, as blood streamed down his face, as an American flag flew behind him, Trump threw up a fist and screamed “Fight, fight, fight.” He is now selling “Fight fight fight” sneakers. 

Those facts are just about all people can agree on. The immediate reaction from the left and a few very mainstream Democrats was that this was a false flag, a fake assassination attempt designed to make Trump look cool and strong, straight out of Putin’s playbook. I’m totally serious. Reid Hoffman—the co-founder of LinkedIn, one of the top donors for Democrats, the man who funded the E. Jean Carroll lawsuit—has Dmitri Mehlhorn to help dole out his political cash. Here’s what Melhorni wrote to a large group of allies and journalists after the shooting: “[One] possibility—which feels horrific and alien and absurd in America, but is quite common globally—is that this ‘shooting’ was encouraged and maybe even staged so Trump could get the photos and benefit from the backlash. . . . This is a classic Putin play and given the facts seems more plausible. Look at the actual shot. Look at the staging.” 

This is a conspiracy that could take root only on the left. Here’s why: to believe that a 20-year-old hobbyist sniper, from 390 feet away, could perfectly and reliably shoot at a rapidly moving head and hit just the ear. . . well, you have to have never aimed a gun in your entire life. Those Trump ears don’t even stick out much; they’re tight to the head, maybe a little small now that I stare at them. This conspiracy could work only among a cohort who weren’t allowed Nerf guns, let alone Call of Duty, let alone a real gun to shoot. But it’s going mainstream! This is a completely normal take to have among MSNBC Democrats right now. Don’t believe me?