July 15, 2024 – The Democratic National Committee today announced the untimely death of its beloved mascot and spiritual leader, Dark Brandon.
“We are grieving today as a community of friends, voters and donors. Dark, as he preferred to be called, was the very soul, substance and future of the democratic party and everythi…
July 15, 2024 – The Democratic National Committee today announced the untimely death of its beloved mascot and spiritual leader, Dark Brandon.
“We are grieving today as a community of friends, voters and donors. Dark, as he preferred to be called, was the very soul, substance and future of the democratic party and everything we do and were hoping to do in our political journey,” stated Senator Chuck ‘Reap the Whirlwind’ Schumer. “And I mean everything,” he added.
Reached by phone at her Atlantic estate, “ForeverLand,” the DNC’s unofficial Stage Manager, “Dr. Jill, Ed.D.,” was beside herself. “We are truly lost without…I mean, I’m at a loss for…Dark meant so much to me. And to his handlers and donors, too. I don’t know how we’re going to meet payroll now, he was our only hope, him and his son, Hunter that is, who is nowhere to be found…and I’m reading this card right now like Dark taught me to but my tears are making the ink run.”
Dark Brandon was the brainchild of a popular character actor named Joseph "C'mon, Man" Biden and a small, shadowy group of staff writers. Mr. Biden, besides being famous as a transgender woman playing the role of Miranda Priestly in off-Broadway productions of The Devil Wears Prada, also played the role of the Menacing Mascot Brandon on several notable occasions, including his most famous routine as the Nation’s Unifier and its spin-off, Unify THIS! His dark glasses were perhaps his most iconic feature, and his appearances were often choreographed surrounded by a thuggish coterie of menacing armed guards on a movie set bathed in a crimson background.
Mr. Biden could not be reached for comment but was said to be devastated by the macabre mascot's death. He was last seen staring from the windows of his temporary residence on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And while the exact circumstances of the death are still not clear, sources suggest Dark Brandon may have been killed by friendly fire. He had been scheduled to appear on the nation’s television screens in selected states over the coming months but his death has curtailed those performances.
It is not known if the Democratic National Committee has chosen a new mascot, but insiders say a cackling, female character actor named Kammie Harpy and a heavily moussed beachcomber and layabout named Gabbey Newbie were seen waiting anxiously at the side entrance to the White House Theater in Washington under a blinking red light that appeared to read, “Auditions.”
(Staff reporters Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi contributed to this article.)
Washington, D.C.
July 15, 2024 – The Democratic National Committee today announced the untimely death of its beloved mascot and spiritual leader, Dark Brandon.
“We are grieving today as a community of friends, voters and donors. Dark, as he preferred to be called, was the very soul, substance and future of the democratic party and everything we do and were hoping to do in our political journey,” stated Senator Chuck ‘Reap the Whirlwind’ Schumer. “And I mean everything,” he added.
Reached by phone at her Atlantic estate, “ForeverLand,” the DNC’s unofficial Stage Manager, “Dr. Jill, Ed.D.,” was beside herself. “We are truly lost without…I mean, I’m at a loss for…Dark meant so much to me. And to his handlers and donors, too. I don’t know how we’re going to meet payroll now, he was our only hope, him and his son, Hunter that is, who is nowhere to be found…and I’m reading this card right now like Dark taught me to but my tears are making the ink run.”
Dark Brandon was the brainchild of a popular character actor named Joseph "C'mon, Man" Biden and a small, shadowy group of staff writers. Mr. Biden, besides being famous as a transgender woman playing the role of Miranda Priestly in off-Broadway productions of The Devil Wears Prada, also played the role of the Menacing Mascot Brandon on several notable occasions, including his most famous routine as the Nation’s Unifier and its spin-off, Unify THIS! His dark glasses were perhaps his most iconic feature, and his appearances were often choreographed surrounded by a thuggish coterie of menacing armed guards on a movie set bathed in a crimson background.
Mr. Biden could not be reached for comment but was said to be devastated by the macabre mascot's death. He was last seen staring from the windows of his temporary residence on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And while the exact circumstances of the death are still not clear, sources suggest Dark Brandon may have been killed by friendly fire. He had been scheduled to appear on the nation’s television screens in selected states over the coming months but his death has curtailed those performances.
It is not known if the Democratic National Committee has chosen a new mascot, but insiders say a cackling, female character actor named Kammie Harpy and a heavily moussed beachcomber and layabout named Gabbey Newbie were seen waiting anxiously at the side entrance to the White House Theater in Washington under a blinking red light that appeared to read, “Auditions.”
(Staff reporters Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi contributed to this article.)
Reprinted with permission: https://brigattista.substack.com/publish/post/146604893