TGIF: Every Sperm Is Sacred

Welcome back. Let’s artificially generate some news this week. What’s the worst that can happen? And remember, there is new TGIF swag. That could be you, with my head on your heart, just where I belong. So far the only known buyer I’ve heard from is my cousin, which seems right. 

→ Biden is doing a weird job reassuring voters: President Biden issued a military security statement via in-house produced video, meant to be a stabilizing sort of address about his commitment to our military allies, but also, it’s one of the president’s somewhat rare forays into the public eye. The video is two minutes long and has some 29 camera cuts in it. That’s a lot. When it appears our president can say only one or two words before the camera needs to cut, I don’t feel militarily calmed. 

In other vaguely alarming presidential news, Biden attacked Special Counsel Robert K. Hur for asking him what year his son Beau died, which Biden alleges was part of the damning report on his memory: “How in the hell dare he raise that? Frankly, when I was asked the question, I thought to myself, it wasn’t any of their damn business.” I agree! What a jerk. Except. . . Special Counsel Hur never asked that at all. It was Biden who brought up his son’s death during that interview. And Biden got the year wrong. 

Dems were shaken last week when the bard of the party, Ezra Klein, who I actually like a lot, came out saying Biden should retire and let a younger candidate run. Shock waves! “Are Democrats Over That Ezra Klein Piece Yet?” socialist publication The Nation asks. Here’s the thing: Biden is a pretty moderate, normal Dem, but for the young White House staff, his senility is a plus! We can Give Iran Nukes while he naps! This group will never let Biden retire. A fully awake Gavin Newsom might have his own ideas about things, like he might not let the White House go Full Houthi. A 115-year-old stuffed Biden? That’s perfect. And why not? A new Quinnipiac national poll has Biden beating Trump by four points. 

So Biden, be he alive or stuffed, will simply be kept cloistered away in the White House, maybe for decades. As one prominent leftist writer put it this week, politicians shouldn’t talk to reporters anyway. The best way to learn the truth about our government is through government press releases, which is what I always say, too. Hell yeah, David:

→ Trump selling sneakers: And how is the opposition party doing this week? Well, Republican front-runner Donald Trump went to an event called Sneaker Con to sell new Trump-branded "Never Surrender” golden sneakers, only $399. Fox News is convinced it’s election genius. Team Biden easily won the round, releasing this statement: “Donald Trump showing up to hawk bootleg Off-Whites is the closest he’ll get to any Air Force Ones ever again for the rest of his life.” I know we make fun of our politicians here in this column, but even I’m not jaded enough to handle a hypebeast presidential campaign. Are they going to have dueling streetwear collabs?

→ And the Trump legal troubles: There are many pending legal cases against our former president, and some seem legit and interesting. Others are obviously political, inspired by prosecutors who are thrilled to use whatever tools they have on hand to kneecap Biden’s opponent ahead of the election. When it comes to the New York cases especially, I agree with writer Jonah Goldberg, who says: “I mean I think he’s basically guilty and I have little personal sympathy for him given his contempt for the law, but the prosecutions are obviously political.” Because this week New York State Attorney General Leticia James won a $450 million civil verdict against Trump that also bars him and his family from doing business in the state for years for the crime of. . . inflating his net worth? Valuing properties in his favor? If it’s illegal to tell people you got a slightly better interest rate on your house than you did, and it’s worth slightly more than it is, then it’s been nice knowing you and please put some money in my jail account. 

From the NYT’s coverage of it: “Even though the lenders made money from Mr. Trump, they were the purported victims in the case, with Ms. James arguing that without his fraud, they could have made even more.” Right. Crime of the century. He would definitely be charged with this even if he weren’t running for president. For sure.