Democratic Party elites are approximately one month into their coordinated bullying campaign against J.D. Vance. In addition to calling him weird, Democratic vice-presidential candidate Tim Walz, Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-FL), and the official Kamala HQ X account have all made joking reference to the idea that Trump’s VP is—and there’s no polite way to say this—a couch fucker.
Allow me to explain. This all started last month when an X user alluded to fake passages in J.D. Vance’s best-selling memoir Hillbilly Elegy describing the Ohio senator humping a latex glove lodged between two couch cushions. Then, the Associated Press made matters worse by publishing a fact-check of the obviously satirical claim in an article called “No, JD Vance Did Not Have Sex With A Couch,” and then retracting that article the next day, claiming it hadn’t met their “editorial standards.”
Is this funny? Kind of. But that’s beside the point. There’s something deeply ironic about the Democratic Party, which has spent years working itself into a frenzy over “disinformation,” pointing to an entirely made-up, sexually explicit joke about their opponent. Imagine if the roles were reversed, and Tim Walz was facing couch-fucker allegations. There would be hearings, MSNBC specials, and FBI special counsel inquiries: Is the person who made this up working in a Russian troll farm? No? American? Well, has he ever been to Russia? Has he ever met a Russian? Does he enjoy borscht? Sources in the intelligence community say the X poster was spotted with Lev Parnas at an El Paso McDonald’s. Representative Schiff, is that something you’re looking into?
Because of the seemingly endless jokes from Democrats, there are almost certainly people in this country who believe that J.D. Vance had sex with a couch. Or that he might have. Politicians aren’t particularly known for their dirty senses of humor (at least in public), so it’s hard not to suspect this was part of the intent. People should remember that the next time the party of disinformation starts whining about fake news or crudely Photoshopped Facebook memes.
Plus, if the Mean Girl Democratic Party really wants to make fun of J.D. Vance, there are so many better ways they could do it. Start a Change.com petition demanding to know which eyeliner he uses. Circulate this (genuine) photo of him in some of the worst drag you’ve ever seen, not to make clear his hypocrisy about his positions on LGBT issues but simply to point out that he looks like a girl with a Hot Topic rewards card. This is an adult heterosexual man who once created a Spotify playlist that included the Backstreet Boys, Justin Bieber, and Florence and the Machine. With so much truth to work with, why are Democrats even bothering with the lies?
River Page is a reporter at The Free Press. Follow him on X @river_is_nice, and read his piece “How Rednecks Like Me Hear J.D. Vance.”
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