Colin Campbell says that the way our society treats grief—and people in grief—is cruel and backward, and it needs a radical reimagining.
He, of all people, would know.
Four years ago, Colin, his wife Gail, and their two teenage kids were driving to Joshua Tree, when they were T-boned by a drunk and high driver going 90 miles an hour. Colin and Gail survived. Their two children, Ruby and Hart, did not.
How do you live after that nightmare? How do you support a friend, a colleague, a brother or sister, who literally does not know how to go on?
Colin’s new book, Finding the Words, attempts to answer those unimaginable questions. It tells the story not only of his own pain in the weeks and months following Ruby and Hart’s death, but also breaks down our society’s misconceptions about grief, which he calls the “grief orthodoxy,” and it provides practical advice for a different kind of approach to grief—one that is more truthful, real, and connected.
People say to the grieving “There are no words” because they’re scared to confront the hard conversation. As Colin writes, it “acts as a perfect conversation killer. This empty phrase immediately ends any chance of a dialogue about loss and mourning. It encapsulates all that is wrong with how our society handles grief.”
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Thanks a million for this episode. The opportunities to hear a parent who’s had a child die are still fairly few and far between. It’s a hard conversation.
Our youngest son died in June 2018 by his own hand at 18. We’ve had an experience very similar to what Colin and Gail have had. We’ve not only had friends drift away but family, too. We’ve found that mentioning our son is a conversation stopper when we’d love nothing more than to talk about our son. I do think people are afraid I’m just going to crumble on the spot....and I might, for a minute. But that will be followed by something close to happiness while I tell the person all the great thing’s our boy brought to our lives.
I approached my grief in a way similar to Colin’s. I leaned in. William, that’s my son’s name, composed music on his computer and I set about compiling that. I pulled together all of his artwork and watched videos he made of himself singing. It was simultaneously painful and joyful. It’s helped me quite a bit. I still dig in even these 5+ years on.
Anyways, a small suggestion on what to say: if you knew the child, tell the parents what you appreciated about him or her. If you didn’t, ask the parent to tell you about their child.
I did not find the interview helpful as to what to do or say to a person in grief. Colin made it clear ya never know what mood he is gonna be in. That is why people avoid those in deep grief. Gosh with the opioid epidemic there are a lot of grieving parents.