I keep thinking about this one. If I could write a book about it, I’d call it Bad Alchemy. Modern Women have poisoned the well. I say this as a middle aged modern woman, living in a fairly affluent, over-educated area in North Carolina. In our efforts to work and balance everything (an insanely difficult task), we make ourselves feel better when we’re selfish mothers, calling it self care. We lie and say the kids are ok when we get divorced. We tell ourselves the men are useless and stupid and bad. And then we wonder why we’re so miserable underneath it all, drinking ourselves to death, filling it all with selfies and trying to look interesting.
Great piece. Divorce that is acquired like just another French bulldog, or curl-your-hair tool, or pair of hot shoes is truly "narcissism disguised as feminism." As one who lived through it, divorce permanently scars children, no matter how civilly or mutually the couple treats the split or how much $ is spent on therapists. And then there is the financial hammer that most divorced women face. But, if your hard-earned "2/3 of a man's salary" is going to maintain that hot new lifestyle your credit rating is probably not top of mind. Abuse of anything or anyone in a marriage certainly warrants the painful march to the exit door. Otherwise, there is so much good to be culled from a partnership and a friendship. Make it work.
I've got an idea. Someone write an article that says eating food is right-wing. Lay it all out in detail of how industrial processes are vestiges of late stage tyrannical capitalism, so good leftists shouldn't support it. It seems to me these lemmings will follow their leaders right off the cliff, right on schedule, every time. So keep doing it. Eventually this problem solves itself.
There is a glamorization of promiscuity in general, a de-valuation of building a family that is so destructive to not only an individual's (man or woman) long-term well-being but our society as a whole. The pursuit of temporary hedonistic pleasure is held up as admirable. It's "understandable" to consider oneself "too busy" or "too overwhelmed by adulting" to have children. If you cannot release your attachment to fleeting pleasure for the greater treasure of real, loving relationships you are doomed to a hollow life, jumping from pleasure to pleasure and wondering why nothing satisfies.
The problem is when your life is not your own. When it's about how it looks to others, what others (aka people who shouldn't have a say) say about your life choices, and about how much clout you carry. Marriage is about inner work, not image. I love my husband. We're not on social media. We don't care what anyone thinks about the institution of marriage. We have a crazy little baby who we love to pieces. Life is great.
I am the child of divorce (I was 6 and my sister was 9). I do have painful memories. Travelling across the country for various events wasn't great. And although there was animosity between my parents, there was never any doubt that they both loved us and both put in tremendous efforts for us. They both remarried and spent / are spending the rest of their lives with their new spouses - both of whom I grew to love and respect.
I, myself, am also divorced (for ref, 2 / 6 of the extended family kids are divorced - the other 4 remain married to original spouses). My divorce was quite amicable and we (as a family - 2 kids) will get together from time to time (including with our current respective partners and with our previous in-laws). We want the best for each other.
I was not happy my parents divorced at the time. And, even though amicable, my own divorce was also painful. But, particularly as an adult with my own experiences, it would horrify me to later learn that one (or both) of my parents stayed in the marriage while very unhappy. Likewise, I think they are both better people for having divorced (especially my mother who became a completely new woman from scratch). My ex and I both think we have become better parents once released from the tensions we had from each other.
There are a lot of sanctimonious holier-than-thou comments in here. And although I think glamourising divorce is absurd and many do not think everything through beyond more range of the moment, it is also unfair to broadly demonise someone for seeking divorce outside of instances of abuse etc. (which seems to largely be a condemnation of women in the comments section). Each situation is unique and very, very situational dependent.
I’m a child of divorce, now married 39 years, with three children of my own. Make no mistake, children of divorce will eventually recognize that their parents chose themselves over their children’s stability and happiness. With the exception, of course, of abusive relationships (real ones, I mean), choosing divorce diminishes the family at a minimum. Often, it utterly destroys it. My parents wanted more for themselves (which they never got, btw) and were willing to wreck the children’s lives to get it. We had to endure the ridiculous custody schedule (alternating weekends with Dad, and oh, one Wednesday a month etc.), Mom’s boyfriends coming in and out of our lives, estrangement with siblings, cousins, etc., and the induced poverty. They got to shuck their responsibilities and “date” again. Fair deal? Not on your life. Took me a few decades to come to terms with it, but I know now what they did. Be careful what you commit to, but once you commit be true to your word…forever.
Ugh, I can't even. Just when I think our culture can't get more shallow. Great article. As a child of divorce though I am wondering how many of these Girls Guide to Divorce women have kids. If so, then shame on them for their gigantic selfishness. It's a cliche but it's absolutely true; it's the kids who suffer the most, even if it's a "smooth" Divorce, which unfortunately almost never happens.
"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players"...William Shakespeare
I have used this quote recently because I believe it gets to the heart of much of what is causing problems for us as a society.
People have become flat representations on screens. We are no longer real. Pictures don’t have feelings, lives, a history. They are just pictures. So, how is this relevant to topic above.
Flat representations can be whatever we want them to be. After all, it is art or some manifestation of art. We grew up watching television and imagining the fantastic lives that the people pictured led. We all wanted to be “on TV”. The best example of this is the behavior of those captured by the camera during athletic contests. Everybody overacts to be noticed, to be “on TV”. But the imagining never lived up to the reality. A brief recounting of tragic lives serves to make the point:
- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Janice Joplin, Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, River Phoenix, Sawyer Sweeten, Dana Plato, Heath Ledger, Freddie Prinz, Inger Stevens, Margaux Hemingway, Gig Young, Robin Williams, all of whom could have been believed to have the world by the tail…the movies and TV created this impression…and it was easy to believe until it wasn’t
- Social Media Influencers…present life as a bed of roses for them…the flat image on the screen make them look like life is a breeze and that they are happy and fulfilled all the time…the image fosters unbelievable envy across the subscribers to their channels…creating an army of people who want the the magnificence that they have.
- TV shows from the past and now…especially reality TV…a false picture of real life.
And so it is with the new “divorce culture”…women put themselves out there as fulfilled and their lives awesome now that they have jettisoned the baggage of their husbands and often families…they don’t talk about how hard it is for them, the children, the jilted spouse, their parents, friends, etc, etc, etc. It’s all an image on a screen. It is not real.
I think one reason we fall for it is, paradoxically, we both love the glamorous (and I include a good, wholesome “rags to riches” story in that) AND we are drawn to the “dirty laundry” drama (the “on-looker slowdown” effect). I don’t have the psychological “chops” to understand what wires us toward those tendencies, but it makes for interesting reflection.
I keep thinking about this one. If I could write a book about it, I’d call it Bad Alchemy. Modern Women have poisoned the well. I say this as a middle aged modern woman, living in a fairly affluent, over-educated area in North Carolina. In our efforts to work and balance everything (an insanely difficult task), we make ourselves feel better when we’re selfish mothers, calling it self care. We lie and say the kids are ok when we get divorced. We tell ourselves the men are useless and stupid and bad. And then we wonder why we’re so miserable underneath it all, drinking ourselves to death, filling it all with selfies and trying to look interesting.
“Gisele Bündchen is hotter.”
That’s funny.
Status-wise, how does one score a hotter match than Tom Brady?
There’s an old saying: Show me a beautiful woman, I’ll show you a man who’s tired of sleeping with her.
I guess that goes both ways. Not so sure about the alimony.
An unusual article in that it smacks of common sense and real life. A rare viewpoint in this woke world.
Great piece. Divorce that is acquired like just another French bulldog, or curl-your-hair tool, or pair of hot shoes is truly "narcissism disguised as feminism." As one who lived through it, divorce permanently scars children, no matter how civilly or mutually the couple treats the split or how much $ is spent on therapists. And then there is the financial hammer that most divorced women face. But, if your hard-earned "2/3 of a man's salary" is going to maintain that hot new lifestyle your credit rating is probably not top of mind. Abuse of anything or anyone in a marriage certainly warrants the painful march to the exit door. Otherwise, there is so much good to be culled from a partnership and a friendship. Make it work.
It’s not all fun and games when you get older.
I've got an idea. Someone write an article that says eating food is right-wing. Lay it all out in detail of how industrial processes are vestiges of late stage tyrannical capitalism, so good leftists shouldn't support it. It seems to me these lemmings will follow their leaders right off the cliff, right on schedule, every time. So keep doing it. Eventually this problem solves itself.
Make it breathing and I'm on board.
Drinking water is white supremacist. Pass it on.
And people wonder why young men are opting out of the dating scene.
There is a glamorization of promiscuity in general, a de-valuation of building a family that is so destructive to not only an individual's (man or woman) long-term well-being but our society as a whole. The pursuit of temporary hedonistic pleasure is held up as admirable. It's "understandable" to consider oneself "too busy" or "too overwhelmed by adulting" to have children. If you cannot release your attachment to fleeting pleasure for the greater treasure of real, loving relationships you are doomed to a hollow life, jumping from pleasure to pleasure and wondering why nothing satisfies.
The problem is when your life is not your own. When it's about how it looks to others, what others (aka people who shouldn't have a say) say about your life choices, and about how much clout you carry. Marriage is about inner work, not image. I love my husband. We're not on social media. We don't care what anyone thinks about the institution of marriage. We have a crazy little baby who we love to pieces. Life is great.
I am the child of divorce (I was 6 and my sister was 9). I do have painful memories. Travelling across the country for various events wasn't great. And although there was animosity between my parents, there was never any doubt that they both loved us and both put in tremendous efforts for us. They both remarried and spent / are spending the rest of their lives with their new spouses - both of whom I grew to love and respect.
I, myself, am also divorced (for ref, 2 / 6 of the extended family kids are divorced - the other 4 remain married to original spouses). My divorce was quite amicable and we (as a family - 2 kids) will get together from time to time (including with our current respective partners and with our previous in-laws). We want the best for each other.
I was not happy my parents divorced at the time. And, even though amicable, my own divorce was also painful. But, particularly as an adult with my own experiences, it would horrify me to later learn that one (or both) of my parents stayed in the marriage while very unhappy. Likewise, I think they are both better people for having divorced (especially my mother who became a completely new woman from scratch). My ex and I both think we have become better parents once released from the tensions we had from each other.
There are a lot of sanctimonious holier-than-thou comments in here. And although I think glamourising divorce is absurd and many do not think everything through beyond more range of the moment, it is also unfair to broadly demonise someone for seeking divorce outside of instances of abuse etc. (which seems to largely be a condemnation of women in the comments section). Each situation is unique and very, very situational dependent.
I’m a child of divorce, now married 39 years, with three children of my own. Make no mistake, children of divorce will eventually recognize that their parents chose themselves over their children’s stability and happiness. With the exception, of course, of abusive relationships (real ones, I mean), choosing divorce diminishes the family at a minimum. Often, it utterly destroys it. My parents wanted more for themselves (which they never got, btw) and were willing to wreck the children’s lives to get it. We had to endure the ridiculous custody schedule (alternating weekends with Dad, and oh, one Wednesday a month etc.), Mom’s boyfriends coming in and out of our lives, estrangement with siblings, cousins, etc., and the induced poverty. They got to shuck their responsibilities and “date” again. Fair deal? Not on your life. Took me a few decades to come to terms with it, but I know now what they did. Be careful what you commit to, but once you commit be true to your word…forever.
The fact that a woman can cheat and then end up with "generous alimony" is infuriating.
Ugh, I can't even. Just when I think our culture can't get more shallow. Great article. As a child of divorce though I am wondering how many of these Girls Guide to Divorce women have kids. If so, then shame on them for their gigantic selfishness. It's a cliche but it's absolutely true; it's the kids who suffer the most, even if it's a "smooth" Divorce, which unfortunately almost never happens.
Having been through a divorce, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
This is one of the most well written pieces I have ever read. Brava! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
"All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players"...William Shakespeare
I have used this quote recently because I believe it gets to the heart of much of what is causing problems for us as a society.
People have become flat representations on screens. We are no longer real. Pictures don’t have feelings, lives, a history. They are just pictures. So, how is this relevant to topic above.
Flat representations can be whatever we want them to be. After all, it is art or some manifestation of art. We grew up watching television and imagining the fantastic lives that the people pictured led. We all wanted to be “on TV”. The best example of this is the behavior of those captured by the camera during athletic contests. Everybody overacts to be noticed, to be “on TV”. But the imagining never lived up to the reality. A brief recounting of tragic lives serves to make the point:
- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, Janice Joplin, Prince, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, River Phoenix, Sawyer Sweeten, Dana Plato, Heath Ledger, Freddie Prinz, Inger Stevens, Margaux Hemingway, Gig Young, Robin Williams, all of whom could have been believed to have the world by the tail…the movies and TV created this impression…and it was easy to believe until it wasn’t
- Social Media Influencers…present life as a bed of roses for them…the flat image on the screen make them look like life is a breeze and that they are happy and fulfilled all the time…the image fosters unbelievable envy across the subscribers to their channels…creating an army of people who want the the magnificence that they have.
- TV shows from the past and now…especially reality TV…a false picture of real life.
And so it is with the new “divorce culture”…women put themselves out there as fulfilled and their lives awesome now that they have jettisoned the baggage of their husbands and often families…they don’t talk about how hard it is for them, the children, the jilted spouse, their parents, friends, etc, etc, etc. It’s all an image on a screen. It is not real.
Why do we so easily fall for it?…g.
Really perceptive thoughts.
I think one reason we fall for it is, paradoxically, we both love the glamorous (and I include a good, wholesome “rags to riches” story in that) AND we are drawn to the “dirty laundry” drama (the “on-looker slowdown” effect). I don’t have the psychological “chops” to understand what wires us toward those tendencies, but it makes for interesting reflection.