I really enjoyed this, but you ladies need some old-fashioned advice for the guys. Mark from Norway via St. Louis. Do you realize what an asset this guy is for his community? You are right that men bond over activity, so he needs to get out and be active. Without his wife. Go volunteer with the scouts, lead the kids (and, oh by the way, the dads) out on a hike. Teach them stuff about international affairs. Share your experiences and life with others. Volunteer with a church group, or at the men’s shelter, or as a soccer coach. Take a home improvement class at Home Depot. Heck, he sounds like maybe he could teach a class. Youthful energy, get out, make use of it. Without his wife. Friends will happen when activities are shared.
The guy whose mom is trying to set him up. Sheesh. It’s time to have an old-fashioned view of VOCATION. Some people are not meant to be married. Can you imagine what an asset that can be to the community? The guy with time to share? Mom needs to butt out, and see the possibilities for what a single man of consequence can do in this world.
OK I love hearing Caitlin's actual voice and wow I had no idea she was such an epic cancer survivor, but if anyone could beat it that long, Ms. Flanagan.
I just need to weigh in on the two men in question here.
Man seeking friends. It is so, so, so, so hard for men as they age. I honestly think his best bet is for him and his wife to socialize with other couples more and hopefully he really clicks with a fellow husband and they peel off. That seems the most likely. Other than, sports was a good suggestion. He will never make a friend at an American gym though. Sorry. That's not a thing (by and large).
Mother concernd for single son. This is the one I had the strongest reaction to. Caitlin is right about this: his mom needs to get the eff out of his personal life. She's probably already way too deep in his head, and that's part of his problem.
Here's my objection: I suspect he's not actually really dating. Maybe he's going on one offs but I believe her when she says he's not connecting with them. What I suspect he means is: They don't seem interested.
There's a lot of men who are just doomed out there. This is the hard truth. This is one of those things that no one wants to say out loud.
But guy with overinterested mom who decided to take a gentle, humane job like being a therapist? My guess is that in fact he is having a terrible time.
And no: Men are not hearing that and thinking he's won life. They would think that if he was going from short-term girlfriend to short-term girlfriend and his phone never stopped ringing, but that's not what we are hearing here.
I very much hope he finds a community of other dudes to hang with and that they find a mission to go on in life. It's probably time for him to look for life satisfaction elsewhere. One of the sad things about this world is that there isn't a great way for permanently single men to live with some dignity on this Earth.
I feel badly for this guy, but you are absolutely dead on that there is nothing his mother can do. She's probably done way too much already.
I gave this up at the fifteenth minute. Because by that point, a podcast that had opened with a good chortle at low-quality advice podcasts that it was promising to massively improve upon had itself descended into a "what were we talking about again?" giggle-fest about BFFs between two teenagers ... one of whom was 62.
Horrifyingly embarrassing. Please don't set yourselves up for a fall like this again.
I quit about 20 minutes in. I'm sure they're both great journalists but oy. I don't mind levity or some fun fluff at the FP, but this, in my kids' words, was lame.
Martin from Norway: Have you considered looking for friends by joining an interest group through a site like Meetups.com? When iI moved to my current town 5+ years ago I joined a hiking meetup group. People I met there have become some of my best friends.
I subscribe to the Free Press for investigative journalism and opinion pieces. The lifestyle fluff I can find anywhere. I found this episode out of step with the purported mission of the publication. I would prefer for you to keep your focus on that instead of trying to expand into areas that feel like intellectual sugar.
The best TFP cast in ages!! Featuring my long time crush Caitlin Flanagan dishing sage wisdom in huge dollops in her adorable fashion. No shade Suzy, you were great and I’m sure you’re hot too, but please please please, more Caitlin!! And please open a branch office in the Yukon, I’ll be the janitor for free.
I wouldn’t even need advice if my daughter asked to bring a married man in their poly relationship on vacation with me footing the bill. It would be an easy… hell no. I wouldn’t even pay for a man if it was a normal relationship, he can pay for himself. My daughter wouldn’t ask something like that though lol. She’s more conservative than me, like waaay more.
This comment is for Martin: I'm from St. Louis. It is a really hard place to make friends if you aren't from there - people tend to be very embedded in their personal local history and relationships, so don't be discouraged - it's not you!!! It's a weird standard to break into. Keep trying, you'll find your people!
Currently living in St. Louis and grew up in the metro area. Can confirm that its a bit insular here. Hit me up if you want to get a beer. I feel like the free press is a good litmus test for people I wouldn't mind hanging out with, lol.
Well, as a therapist, I was expecting to go to war with crappy advice. I find myself with very little to complain about... Rather disappointing.... I look forward to heckling the Free Press writers and podcast hosts. However, I did manage to have a problem with some of the things that you said.
Step daughter 13 only kid without a smartphone.
Why are parents bending to the peer pressure of teenagers? What do you think is best?
Until this point I haven’t had much disagreement. But telling step-parents to sit in the corner and shut up is fairly ignorant. I’ve had many therapy clients who viewed their stepmom or stepdad in the same light as a biological parent. At what point does refraining from any life advice communicate “I don’t care enough to be involved.”
Thoughtful measured disagreement isn’t undermining the bio dad and communicates that you care enough to pay attention.
Brothers best friend
Here I’m convinced Suzy and Caitlin don’t understand men. Like at all. I’m married but when I was single, I was interested in all women that I thought were pretty and who had a pulse. However, as a man, you don’t go around being a creep and hitting on every woman you see. Especially in the #metoo era. Also, many men aren't good at picking up on the very very subtle hints women drop. Or they see hints that aren't there. Every guy I know has a story where he thought a girl was dropping hints but she never was and they got shot down. It puzzles a lot of men why women refuse to be direct. He also likely considered her off limits as his friends sister. Crossing that line can lead to a physical fight depending on the age. That being said going after your brothers best friend who is dating someone else is very messy. But I would say its wrong to assume he would have expressed interest, and its wrong to assume he'll pick up on strangely indirect ways women choose to communicate interest.
The more I think about it, its the opposite of what Caitlin said, men and can subtly express interest in women and have them notice. Women don't always have that luxury.
Therapist Son
Again, Suzy and Caitlin don’t understand men. I see so many lonely men in therapy who want nothing more than to get married and have kids. But all they can find on Tinder are women who want to hook up. Most men don't consider the slutty men to be living the good life. Thats a shallow stereotype that all men just want to sleep around.
I disagree that parents should back off as soon as their kids are adults. I’ve seen parents intervene to save adult kids from domestic violence and abusive relationships. I have also talked to MANY MANY (caps are needed here) people in therapy that wasted years of their lives in shitty relationships, hit 35, had the window start to close on having kids, and deeply regret not having been more thoughtful about who they spent years of their life with. Or people who, in hindsight view their younger single years as time wasted. A nudge from mom and dad isn't a bad thing as long as it's measured, and they back off if the son tells them to.
Suzy, did you just say I don't know about being a therapist if you are a man? Oooooooo, why do you have a problem with men getting quality mental health care? As we have just seen clearly, women often have deficits in understanding men. I've surprisingly had women who were sexual assault survivors go to therapy and had a female therapist break down crying in front of them and then come to me for therapy. That has happened half a dozen times. I hear that one a lot for women, they wanted an unemotional therapist and found a male one.
That dude who wanted a date with Suzy made me think, have any of you picked up stalkers yet? You'll know the Free Press is a big deal when you start to progress from merely having superfans to attracting stalkers. I think it's more likely with the Free Press due to the degree to which you interact with your audience.
Would you believe me if I told you this long comment was me being succinct?
You're wonderful and continue to validate the reasons that I followed you as you left the NYT's and blossomed. You're talent and moral fiber shines so brightly in these dark times.
Only the NY Trash would advise a mother to abandon her duties as a parent, and just roll over quietly.
The mother should accept the adult daughter's boyfriend, but refuse paying for his trip, and explain to the daughter why. Why is Common Sense so hard to apply, especially on the left?
I really enjoyed this, but you ladies need some old-fashioned advice for the guys. Mark from Norway via St. Louis. Do you realize what an asset this guy is for his community? You are right that men bond over activity, so he needs to get out and be active. Without his wife. Go volunteer with the scouts, lead the kids (and, oh by the way, the dads) out on a hike. Teach them stuff about international affairs. Share your experiences and life with others. Volunteer with a church group, or at the men’s shelter, or as a soccer coach. Take a home improvement class at Home Depot. Heck, he sounds like maybe he could teach a class. Youthful energy, get out, make use of it. Without his wife. Friends will happen when activities are shared.
The guy whose mom is trying to set him up. Sheesh. It’s time to have an old-fashioned view of VOCATION. Some people are not meant to be married. Can you imagine what an asset that can be to the community? The guy with time to share? Mom needs to butt out, and see the possibilities for what a single man of consequence can do in this world.
OK I love hearing Caitlin's actual voice and wow I had no idea she was such an epic cancer survivor, but if anyone could beat it that long, Ms. Flanagan.
I just need to weigh in on the two men in question here.
Man seeking friends. It is so, so, so, so hard for men as they age. I honestly think his best bet is for him and his wife to socialize with other couples more and hopefully he really clicks with a fellow husband and they peel off. That seems the most likely. Other than, sports was a good suggestion. He will never make a friend at an American gym though. Sorry. That's not a thing (by and large).
Mother concernd for single son. This is the one I had the strongest reaction to. Caitlin is right about this: his mom needs to get the eff out of his personal life. She's probably already way too deep in his head, and that's part of his problem.
Here's my objection: I suspect he's not actually really dating. Maybe he's going on one offs but I believe her when she says he's not connecting with them. What I suspect he means is: They don't seem interested.
There's a lot of men who are just doomed out there. This is the hard truth. This is one of those things that no one wants to say out loud.
But guy with overinterested mom who decided to take a gentle, humane job like being a therapist? My guess is that in fact he is having a terrible time.
And no: Men are not hearing that and thinking he's won life. They would think that if he was going from short-term girlfriend to short-term girlfriend and his phone never stopped ringing, but that's not what we are hearing here.
I very much hope he finds a community of other dudes to hang with and that they find a mission to go on in life. It's probably time for him to look for life satisfaction elsewhere. One of the sad things about this world is that there isn't a great way for permanently single men to live with some dignity on this Earth.
I feel badly for this guy, but you are absolutely dead on that there is nothing his mother can do. She's probably done way too much already.
Can this be a weekly thing? Love
I gave this up at the fifteenth minute. Because by that point, a podcast that had opened with a good chortle at low-quality advice podcasts that it was promising to massively improve upon had itself descended into a "what were we talking about again?" giggle-fest about BFFs between two teenagers ... one of whom was 62.
Horrifyingly embarrassing. Please don't set yourselves up for a fall like this again.
I quit about 20 minutes in. I'm sure they're both great journalists but oy. I don't mind levity or some fun fluff at the FP, but this, in my kids' words, was lame.
Martin from Norway: Have you considered looking for friends by joining an interest group through a site like Meetups.com? When iI moved to my current town 5+ years ago I joined a hiking meetup group. People I met there have become some of my best friends.
I subscribe to the Free Press for investigative journalism and opinion pieces. The lifestyle fluff I can find anywhere. I found this episode out of step with the purported mission of the publication. I would prefer for you to keep your focus on that instead of trying to expand into areas that feel like intellectual sugar.
Calm down. No need to listen. Some of us enjoy a little levity sprinkled into our day mitigating the constant inundation of political news.
The best TFP cast in ages!! Featuring my long time crush Caitlin Flanagan dishing sage wisdom in huge dollops in her adorable fashion. No shade Suzy, you were great and I’m sure you’re hot too, but please please please, more Caitlin!! And please open a branch office in the Yukon, I’ll be the janitor for free.
I wouldn’t even need advice if my daughter asked to bring a married man in their poly relationship on vacation with me footing the bill. It would be an easy… hell no. I wouldn’t even pay for a man if it was a normal relationship, he can pay for himself. My daughter wouldn’t ask something like that though lol. She’s more conservative than me, like waaay more.
This comment is for Martin: I'm from St. Louis. It is a really hard place to make friends if you aren't from there - people tend to be very embedded in their personal local history and relationships, so don't be discouraged - it's not you!!! It's a weird standard to break into. Keep trying, you'll find your people!
Currently living in St. Louis and grew up in the metro area. Can confirm that its a bit insular here. Hit me up if you want to get a beer. I feel like the free press is a good litmus test for people I wouldn't mind hanging out with, lol.
Well, as a therapist, I was expecting to go to war with crappy advice. I find myself with very little to complain about... Rather disappointing.... I look forward to heckling the Free Press writers and podcast hosts. However, I did manage to have a problem with some of the things that you said.
Step daughter 13 only kid without a smartphone.
Why are parents bending to the peer pressure of teenagers? What do you think is best?
Until this point I haven’t had much disagreement. But telling step-parents to sit in the corner and shut up is fairly ignorant. I’ve had many therapy clients who viewed their stepmom or stepdad in the same light as a biological parent. At what point does refraining from any life advice communicate “I don’t care enough to be involved.”
Thoughtful measured disagreement isn’t undermining the bio dad and communicates that you care enough to pay attention.
Brothers best friend
Here I’m convinced Suzy and Caitlin don’t understand men. Like at all. I’m married but when I was single, I was interested in all women that I thought were pretty and who had a pulse. However, as a man, you don’t go around being a creep and hitting on every woman you see. Especially in the #metoo era. Also, many men aren't good at picking up on the very very subtle hints women drop. Or they see hints that aren't there. Every guy I know has a story where he thought a girl was dropping hints but she never was and they got shot down. It puzzles a lot of men why women refuse to be direct. He also likely considered her off limits as his friends sister. Crossing that line can lead to a physical fight depending on the age. That being said going after your brothers best friend who is dating someone else is very messy. But I would say its wrong to assume he would have expressed interest, and its wrong to assume he'll pick up on strangely indirect ways women choose to communicate interest.
The more I think about it, its the opposite of what Caitlin said, men and can subtly express interest in women and have them notice. Women don't always have that luxury.
Therapist Son
Again, Suzy and Caitlin don’t understand men. I see so many lonely men in therapy who want nothing more than to get married and have kids. But all they can find on Tinder are women who want to hook up. Most men don't consider the slutty men to be living the good life. Thats a shallow stereotype that all men just want to sleep around.
I disagree that parents should back off as soon as their kids are adults. I’ve seen parents intervene to save adult kids from domestic violence and abusive relationships. I have also talked to MANY MANY (caps are needed here) people in therapy that wasted years of their lives in shitty relationships, hit 35, had the window start to close on having kids, and deeply regret not having been more thoughtful about who they spent years of their life with. Or people who, in hindsight view their younger single years as time wasted. A nudge from mom and dad isn't a bad thing as long as it's measured, and they back off if the son tells them to.
Suzy, did you just say I don't know about being a therapist if you are a man? Oooooooo, why do you have a problem with men getting quality mental health care? As we have just seen clearly, women often have deficits in understanding men. I've surprisingly had women who were sexual assault survivors go to therapy and had a female therapist break down crying in front of them and then come to me for therapy. That has happened half a dozen times. I hear that one a lot for women, they wanted an unemotional therapist and found a male one.
That dude who wanted a date with Suzy made me think, have any of you picked up stalkers yet? You'll know the Free Press is a big deal when you start to progress from merely having superfans to attracting stalkers. I think it's more likely with the Free Press due to the degree to which you interact with your audience.
Would you believe me if I told you this long comment was me being succinct?
Bari,
You're wonderful and continue to validate the reasons that I followed you as you left the NYT's and blossomed. You're talent and moral fiber shines so brightly in these dark times.
Hugs from me and the rest of your fans :)
Only the NY Trash would advise a mother to abandon her duties as a parent, and just roll over quietly.
The mother should accept the adult daughter's boyfriend, but refuse paying for his trip, and explain to the daughter why. Why is Common Sense so hard to apply, especially on the left?