The addition of a second child is not arithmetic, its geometric. Just embrace it. Whatever you do there will never be enough of you to go around - enjoy it because one day they will leave the house. That being said, ask yourself at every moment, what is more important? The dishes or reading my chlld a book. (The dishes can wait for a few minutes). I wish I had lived by that more. Be a team, divide and conquer. Reward behavior you do want, not behavior you don't. If you can, (& it's not dangerous) disengage from tantrums and behaviors you don't want, don't feed them with positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement. Children would rather be praised than punished, but they would rather be punished than ignored. Laugh, a lot!! You will need it. Boys? Boys are awesome - what you see is what you get. They are not at all like girls. They will chew a piece of toast into a gun shape - they just will. Channel that into protectiveness instead of mere aggression. Buckle your seat belts - you are in for a lovely, bumpy ride!
Being that you're both Americans living in these modern times, you might frown and even freak-out if your little boy starts playing with weapons. (Hey - not that you'll buy him a cap gun or something, he'll make the guns and swords and knives from sticks and other stuff). But many boys love weapons and use them in all their imaginary games. If you watch carefully you'll see that he's fighting the bad guys and protecting the good guys. Not a bad thing for a boy to learn as he grows into a man.
I'm hoping to hear good news soon!! God bless you all.
I'm grossed out by the "advice" above that says parts of parenting are "torture" or "hell." To say that taking care of everyday needs for your baby, or interacting with a toddler, is awful? I just feel sorry for you.
My best advice? If your kids are healthy, be eternally grateful and don't complain about everyday worries and wants. See it all as a great privilege. Find joy in every bit of it.
Love, Mom to an autistic son and his pediatric cancer survivor brother
I really enjoyed this episode. Elon's advice to savor every moment while sharing his own experience being on the cusp of loss with his parents in old age and his children moving away really resonated, even though that stage is hopefully several years away for me. I also loved the idea of spelling out your family values rather than just assuming your kids will absorb this. My kids are 4 and 2 and we finally just took a vacation that was actually pretty fun and relaxing - I'm so happy to leave the most intense baby/toddler years in the past and actually enjoy my kids as little people! Congrats Nellie and Bari!
Boys and Girls are very different. don't expect your boy to do anything your daughter does. keeping a schedule for boys is very important. bedtime, feeding always at the same time everyday. your schedule does not matter. boys are like dogs, you have to run them. For children, there are no choices, ie: this is what we are eating for dinner. Never tell your children where you are going in advance. If you don't end up going to park or Disney for some reason, they never know the difference. I liked the sports, sports, sports. refer back to my dog comment.
I have 3 girls age 9, 11, and 21. Didn't realize at the time but I did the GenX lawnmower parenting thing with my GenZ daughter (poster child for what went wrong). We spent years in hospitals with her. Then in 2017, with a 2 year old and pregnant with #3, I began my in depth research into what the hell happened. I realized a big part of her downfall was me and my parenting, and the culture that led me there... literally Jonathan Haidt's thesis. That was me, including the phones, etc.
With 2 more girls fresh out of the oven I decided to do a little A/B testing. I basically became a lot more conservative. I started following Bari and all her contemporary heterodox peeps, which of course branded me a "MAGA republican" by my community... Called a "psychopath" for very clearly telling my young girls they cant have dicks, so dont bother asking 😆
The test results are in. B is the clear winner! My oldest is going to be ok (after $300K cash spent on treatment), but the younger ones will never come even close to falling that hard in that way.
Best advice you will ever receive... grab that wooden spoon! (Metaphorically"ish" 😉)
My additional two cents? Sports, sports, and more sports! I was never into sports AT ALL (true story... started the "walking club" at Andover to get credit for smoking cigs in the woods). Now I coach 5th grade bball, play tennis with the girls on weekends, kayak, sail, soccer, all of it. They dont get a choice! And they have grown to love it, as have I. Countless benefits. Especially for girls! Lean in... you won't regret it.
My wife insisted that once the kids arrived, once a year we’d leave them with gran and just the two of us would go away for an extended weekend, as soon as breastfeeding done.
Helped a lot.
Even just 3 days in Vegas for food and shows was fantastic.
We built up a trap line of must-eat places, like the fried chicken and waffles at Keller’s Bouchon on the noodles in garlic chilli sauce at Beijing Noodle #9
All so good
Make time for just yourselves, the kids are important but they aren’t everything
Don't compare the second to the first! Mine are two years apart; one did some things first; the other did other things first. They are different in ways you don't expect; exactly the same when you least expect. They compete to love you. It's the best.
Everyone loves to give parenting advice, so here you go (even tho Bari won’t read this and the rest of us here are probably past our child-rearing years anyway - lol):
1) Humor. Just like in a marriage, making each other laugh lightens the hard times and builds a lasting bond. Bonus: they’ll want to hang out with you when they’re all grown up.
2) Fake it ‘til you make it. What do you do if, for example, your partner is out of town and you’re in a restaurant and you told your kids they couldn’t have a soda with dinner and that if they asked again you’d leave, and they did ask again because they’re testing and so you have to leave… except, you’re starving and god were you were looking forward to eating out and you bloody well don’t want to make dinner, and they’re having tantrums and sobbing “Mommy, no!” and heads are turning and all you have to do is relent and everything will be so easy, relief is so close…? You apologize to the waitress, get up and walk through the freezing winter dark to put those screaming kids back in the car and you drive home and you make grilled cheese sandwiches while they writhe and cry and tell you how mean you are and you’re dying inside and the whole time you act like you are totally, totally fine. Try always to project to your kids that you can handle whatever they throw at you, that you’re confident you’re doing the right thing for them, that you know it’s all going to be fine. This, for me anyway, is acting. It’s a brutally hard role sometimes, but your kids need to believe you’re rock solid so they can flail and experiment and make mistakes. (Gordon Neufeldt is the guru for this kind of authoritative - not authoritarian - parenting. Highly recommend.) And, for all the momentary pain, it’s worth it. My kids never again pushed me on what they could order in restaurants.
3) Sleep. One of the most basic and actually helpful parenting books is The Seven O’Clock Bedtime. Do whatever you can to get those kids to bed on time. The earlier the better. This applies through their whole childhood including the teen years (no phones in the bedrooms!). The author of the book said people were always asking her for her parenting tricks because her kids were so well behaved, and she was like, the only trick I got up my sleeve is their bedtime.
4) At the end of the day, if you do nothing else, love them and let them know they’re loved. No matter what they may do.
My 2cents worth? In raising 2 teenage boys and a primary aged girl, I’ve learned: decide exactly where your absolute boundaries on behaviour and actions are and then hold fast to those boundaries with love and empathy. Consistency and clarity is absolutely the key to good parenting. Kids need boundaries and expectations - sure they’ll test them and push them from time to time, but hold those family rules firmly, consistently, and with love.
Don’t make them petty, complicated or arbitrary; don’t have different boundaries for different siblings. Disappointment, push back, and conflict resolution is part of their healthy development, negotiation is a skill that should be guided and taught, flexibility is important, but the firm boundaries you have decided on as a family - hold those or you’ll end up in a constant cycle of endless negotiation, fights, and frustration. Choose your battles wisely!
I think new parenting techniques get mistaken for and lumped in with permissive parenting, which is the worst. Authoritative parenting with love, respect and empathy is 100% the way to go. Focus on relationship and remember you are their friend, but foremost you are their parent and guide. My teen boys are gorgeous young men and I’ve never raised a hand to them or ever threatened a wooden spoon (I knew I wanted to parent differently than my parents did, though I love them deeply).
I found Dr Laura Markham’s (Aha! Parenting website and books) really helpful, especially the sections on ages and stages and sibling conflict, as well as the Whole Brain Child and Hold On To Your Kids.
I raised three kids (two boys and a girl) who are now wonderful adults. I used to tell my kids "I don't expect you to be the smartest person in the room; I expect you to be the kindest" and to a great degree they always were the kindest ... still are - and a little mommy brag; pretty smart to boot. My go to parenting book and the gift I give all new parents (can I send you a copy please?) is "The Blessings of a Skinned Knee" by Wendy Mogel, PhD. Can't recommend all Dr. Mogel's books enough - she is a treasure chest of wonderful advice with a humorous touch.
I read a book called "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. I found it tremendously helpful with my son...and with children in a pre-school I volunteered at.
The addition of a second child is not arithmetic, its geometric. Just embrace it. Whatever you do there will never be enough of you to go around - enjoy it because one day they will leave the house. That being said, ask yourself at every moment, what is more important? The dishes or reading my chlld a book. (The dishes can wait for a few minutes). I wish I had lived by that more. Be a team, divide and conquer. Reward behavior you do want, not behavior you don't. If you can, (& it's not dangerous) disengage from tantrums and behaviors you don't want, don't feed them with positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement. Children would rather be praised than punished, but they would rather be punished than ignored. Laugh, a lot!! You will need it. Boys? Boys are awesome - what you see is what you get. They are not at all like girls. They will chew a piece of toast into a gun shape - they just will. Channel that into protectiveness instead of mere aggression. Buckle your seat belts - you are in for a lovely, bumpy ride!
Your paranoia about health/accidents/etc will drop about 95% with the second. With the third, you're sending them into the street to play.
Being that you're both Americans living in these modern times, you might frown and even freak-out if your little boy starts playing with weapons. (Hey - not that you'll buy him a cap gun or something, he'll make the guns and swords and knives from sticks and other stuff). But many boys love weapons and use them in all their imaginary games. If you watch carefully you'll see that he's fighting the bad guys and protecting the good guys. Not a bad thing for a boy to learn as he grows into a man.
I'm hoping to hear good news soon!! God bless you all.
I'm grossed out by the "advice" above that says parts of parenting are "torture" or "hell." To say that taking care of everyday needs for your baby, or interacting with a toddler, is awful? I just feel sorry for you.
My best advice? If your kids are healthy, be eternally grateful and don't complain about everyday worries and wants. See it all as a great privilege. Find joy in every bit of it.
Love, Mom to an autistic son and his pediatric cancer survivor brother
I really enjoyed this episode. Elon's advice to savor every moment while sharing his own experience being on the cusp of loss with his parents in old age and his children moving away really resonated, even though that stage is hopefully several years away for me. I also loved the idea of spelling out your family values rather than just assuming your kids will absorb this. My kids are 4 and 2 and we finally just took a vacation that was actually pretty fun and relaxing - I'm so happy to leave the most intense baby/toddler years in the past and actually enjoy my kids as little people! Congrats Nellie and Bari!
Boys and Girls are very different. don't expect your boy to do anything your daughter does. keeping a schedule for boys is very important. bedtime, feeding always at the same time everyday. your schedule does not matter. boys are like dogs, you have to run them. For children, there are no choices, ie: this is what we are eating for dinner. Never tell your children where you are going in advance. If you don't end up going to park or Disney for some reason, they never know the difference. I liked the sports, sports, sports. refer back to my dog comment.
I have 3 girls age 9, 11, and 21. Didn't realize at the time but I did the GenX lawnmower parenting thing with my GenZ daughter (poster child for what went wrong). We spent years in hospitals with her. Then in 2017, with a 2 year old and pregnant with #3, I began my in depth research into what the hell happened. I realized a big part of her downfall was me and my parenting, and the culture that led me there... literally Jonathan Haidt's thesis. That was me, including the phones, etc.
With 2 more girls fresh out of the oven I decided to do a little A/B testing. I basically became a lot more conservative. I started following Bari and all her contemporary heterodox peeps, which of course branded me a "MAGA republican" by my community... Called a "psychopath" for very clearly telling my young girls they cant have dicks, so dont bother asking 😆
The test results are in. B is the clear winner! My oldest is going to be ok (after $300K cash spent on treatment), but the younger ones will never come even close to falling that hard in that way.
Best advice you will ever receive... grab that wooden spoon! (Metaphorically"ish" 😉)
My additional two cents? Sports, sports, and more sports! I was never into sports AT ALL (true story... started the "walking club" at Andover to get credit for smoking cigs in the woods). Now I coach 5th grade bball, play tennis with the girls on weekends, kayak, sail, soccer, all of it. They dont get a choice! And they have grown to love it, as have I. Countless benefits. Especially for girls! Lean in... you won't regret it.
Best of luck you two!
My wife insisted that once the kids arrived, once a year we’d leave them with gran and just the two of us would go away for an extended weekend, as soon as breastfeeding done.
Helped a lot.
Even just 3 days in Vegas for food and shows was fantastic.
We built up a trap line of must-eat places, like the fried chicken and waffles at Keller’s Bouchon on the noodles in garlic chilli sauce at Beijing Noodle #9
All so good
Make time for just yourselves, the kids are important but they aren’t everything
I have been naging the FP to write a piece on the right of a sperm donor baby to know their biological father for years. Maybe now is the time?
Don't compare the second to the first! Mine are two years apart; one did some things first; the other did other things first. They are different in ways you don't expect; exactly the same when you least expect. They compete to love you. It's the best.
The best thing you can do for your children is love your spouse.
Everyone loves to give parenting advice, so here you go (even tho Bari won’t read this and the rest of us here are probably past our child-rearing years anyway - lol):
1) Humor. Just like in a marriage, making each other laugh lightens the hard times and builds a lasting bond. Bonus: they’ll want to hang out with you when they’re all grown up.
2) Fake it ‘til you make it. What do you do if, for example, your partner is out of town and you’re in a restaurant and you told your kids they couldn’t have a soda with dinner and that if they asked again you’d leave, and they did ask again because they’re testing and so you have to leave… except, you’re starving and god were you were looking forward to eating out and you bloody well don’t want to make dinner, and they’re having tantrums and sobbing “Mommy, no!” and heads are turning and all you have to do is relent and everything will be so easy, relief is so close…? You apologize to the waitress, get up and walk through the freezing winter dark to put those screaming kids back in the car and you drive home and you make grilled cheese sandwiches while they writhe and cry and tell you how mean you are and you’re dying inside and the whole time you act like you are totally, totally fine. Try always to project to your kids that you can handle whatever they throw at you, that you’re confident you’re doing the right thing for them, that you know it’s all going to be fine. This, for me anyway, is acting. It’s a brutally hard role sometimes, but your kids need to believe you’re rock solid so they can flail and experiment and make mistakes. (Gordon Neufeldt is the guru for this kind of authoritative - not authoritarian - parenting. Highly recommend.) And, for all the momentary pain, it’s worth it. My kids never again pushed me on what they could order in restaurants.
3) Sleep. One of the most basic and actually helpful parenting books is The Seven O’Clock Bedtime. Do whatever you can to get those kids to bed on time. The earlier the better. This applies through their whole childhood including the teen years (no phones in the bedrooms!). The author of the book said people were always asking her for her parenting tricks because her kids were so well behaved, and she was like, the only trick I got up my sleeve is their bedtime.
4) At the end of the day, if you do nothing else, love them and let them know they’re loved. No matter what they may do.
My 2cents worth? In raising 2 teenage boys and a primary aged girl, I’ve learned: decide exactly where your absolute boundaries on behaviour and actions are and then hold fast to those boundaries with love and empathy. Consistency and clarity is absolutely the key to good parenting. Kids need boundaries and expectations - sure they’ll test them and push them from time to time, but hold those family rules firmly, consistently, and with love.
Don’t make them petty, complicated or arbitrary; don’t have different boundaries for different siblings. Disappointment, push back, and conflict resolution is part of their healthy development, negotiation is a skill that should be guided and taught, flexibility is important, but the firm boundaries you have decided on as a family - hold those or you’ll end up in a constant cycle of endless negotiation, fights, and frustration. Choose your battles wisely!
I think new parenting techniques get mistaken for and lumped in with permissive parenting, which is the worst. Authoritative parenting with love, respect and empathy is 100% the way to go. Focus on relationship and remember you are their friend, but foremost you are their parent and guide. My teen boys are gorgeous young men and I’ve never raised a hand to them or ever threatened a wooden spoon (I knew I wanted to parent differently than my parents did, though I love them deeply).
I found Dr Laura Markham’s (Aha! Parenting website and books) really helpful, especially the sections on ages and stages and sibling conflict, as well as the Whole Brain Child and Hold On To Your Kids.
Mazel tov! Babies are the most precious gift.
I raised three kids (two boys and a girl) who are now wonderful adults. I used to tell my kids "I don't expect you to be the smartest person in the room; I expect you to be the kindest" and to a great degree they always were the kindest ... still are - and a little mommy brag; pretty smart to boot. My go to parenting book and the gift I give all new parents (can I send you a copy please?) is "The Blessings of a Skinned Knee" by Wendy Mogel, PhD. Can't recommend all Dr. Mogel's books enough - she is a treasure chest of wonderful advice with a humorous touch.
I read a book called "The Power of Positive Parenting" by Dr. Glenn I. Latham. I found it tremendously helpful with my son...and with children in a pre-school I volunteered at.
Mazel tov