26 Comments

Congratulations to both of you on your new little boy!! I've never had children and am too old to have them now, however I absolutely LOVED this episode. The advice was great and the interactions heartwarming.

Expand full comment

My order was from the bottom ... up. For example, if one child has an explosive bowel movement, the cleanup takes precedence. The next in order is food. If the diapers are clean, then feeding is most important. And, as you move up to the brain, teaching, answering questions, listening, these all are essential to raising a child, assuming everything below the brain is already cared for.

Siblings are the best. My oldest always wanted to play with his brother. I had to hide the infant under the dining room table or behind the bookshelf so that he could nap. Otherwise, it was constant entertainment. The kids grew up together, teaching and learning from each other, helping each other get out of trouble. Giving a child a sibling is truly the best lifelong gift you can give.

Expand full comment

a few things I learned when 2,3, and 4 arrived after 1. When we had our second child, there was a lot of "the baby has to sleep so let's play the quiet game. Or "yes, I know we have had pasta for 3 nights because the baby's been up all night and I haven't slept in days so you have to eat it again; or "we have to do this because of the baby needs" etc. etc. . Then I realized this was a bit, well real, and kind of unequal in expecting child # 1 to always be waiting, developing patience, learning to yield, thinking of others 24/7. So I started to say things to the baby - yeah I know but as a pleasant fiction it worked to help child # 1 adjust to no longer being the center of attention. So, to baby I would say, "baby, you have to sit tight and wait until I help child # 1 learn how to tie shoes or baby, it's child #1'turn to sit on my lap and read a book, or baby, we are going to take child # 1 to school right now. When child # 1 heard that baby "had to" wait, go along with, share etc. child # 1's adjustment and co-operation expanded.

~ Efficiency is the bane of childhood. just remember this. It helps to reorient one's parental compass and actions.

~ get yourselves a copy of Haim G. Ginott's book Between parent and child.

~ nurture and develop a spiritual life in your family and children. I am Christian . Having my children take part in a spiritual life has given them a faith that helps them in life and to help others. Their faith is there in good and bad times.

Congratulations to everyone in your family!

Expand full comment

Get household help! Lots of it if your means permit. Focus on the children, not having a perfect house or all-meals-from-scratch.

Children are such blessing and the years fly by! My four are in their 20s and 30s now and I become wistful and teary when thinking about their younger selves. Soak it in and delegate the boring tasks.

Expand full comment

Don't be afraid to give orders: never end a command with "..., ok?" unless the matter is truly negotiable.

Expand full comment

Oh. And one other thing. Save a lot of money for massively larger grocery bills when your son hits puberty. You will not believe how much a teenage boy can eat!

Expand full comment

I have no experience with a second as our Nick, aka Nickman or Little Man (at 6 ft. 210lbs and 25 years old) was an only child. No matter the circumstance, second child, only child, boy, girl...you'll think of things to worry about. We worried because he had no siblings. So we learned how to play guns and hide behind trees and fit into the playground slides. But here are some truths I learned. 1. You cannot tell them you love them or hug them too much. 2. Spoil the hell out of them but firmly teach them what is right and what is wrong. No one but you and them will know how spoiled they are because they won't fit the stereotype of a spoiled child. When they always know their boundaries, they will also appreciate how much you have done for them. 3. Read to them every day and teach them that a good book is a movie in their mind. Boys (at least my Nickman did) like Richard Scarry and Captain Underpants. 4. Boys will talk to you and let you know what's going on when they are damn good and ready. So back off Moms. They're not as gabby as us girls. 5. Hang on and enjoy the ride. It will fly by. The minute they leave your womb, they begin leaving you. Your job is to get them ready for that and you'll figure out what to do with yourselves and your much quieter house when the time comes. And lastly, you cannot love them or hug them too much.

Congratulations!

Expand full comment

With my first newborn, I suddenly had fresh insight into why ancient literature is so rife with infant abandonment. My kids were all lucky we didn't live near a Greek mountaintop. As a mother of two boys and stepmother of one girl, I seriously believe the biggest challenge is providing them purposeful physical tasks, and coming up with new ones until they leave home. If I had it to do over, I'd go the scandinavian forest school route - only because we don't live near any farmers who might put the kids to proper use. And my two best de-escalation tips: 1) let angry kids throw eggs at a fence or tree outside; 2) model a willingness to put yourself into "time-out" when you get angry, so they see adults also need time to self-regulate.

Expand full comment

Congratulations on a sweet baby boy! I really enjoyed this episode. The advice you received was excellent. Bari's parents are hoot.

As a mother with three boys, I can tell you are are active, loud, wild, and sometimes gross; but so very sweet and loving.

Expand full comment

Our eight kids (five girls, three boys) seem to have turned out well -- at least there's been no scandal. The youngest is in med school and about to get married, so I suppose there's enough evidence in to make an assessment.

I attribute this almost entirely to genetics and luck, or, let's just say Providence.

The only advice we give parents, and we stand by it, is that anything you have to do to keep you from throwing the baby off the porch is in its best interest.

בשעה טובה

Expand full comment

Please devote another hour with David and Dave Rubin 😁

Expand full comment

I echo your guest’s comments about feeling heartbroken for the first child when bringing home the second child! Also, I agree on the importance of a routine and never giving into temper tantrums.

My first child was a girl and second was a boy and they were (and still are) night and day different. I also felt inadequate parenting a boy initially.

What really surprised me was how absolutely sweet, sensitive and loving my boy was and still is. (He cried when listening to Celine Dion’s song from Titanic at the age of 4.)

At the same time he was rambunctious, enthusiastic, loud and funny. He was extremely curious about everything and couldn’t help touching everything new, which was a problem when shopping especially when he was really young. So I came up with the “one finger rule.” He was allowed to touch anything, within reason, with one finger. I felt that was a good way to allow him to satisfy his curiosity without always saying “no” or punishing him. Or trying to pry an object out of his small but mighty grip. It worked out pretty well for all of us.

Blessings to you on your growing family! ❤️

Expand full comment
founding

Final comment:

Okay I got to the boy mom part. I did hear correctly your having a boy. I think teaching a boy to be a man starts day 1. Sometimes I think I get looks when i’m telling my 3 and a half year old son to quit crying and be a man. But I still kiss his scrape and make it better.

I stand by my earlier comment how to stop a tantrum which isn’t a hyper masculine approach. Also, If I hit my son with a pillow, when hes upset, oh he’d fight me alright but it wouldn’t be playful.

Being a man is being a protector and its putting yourself last. Making sure your wife and kids have everything before you do. Oh? is that not fair? Suck it up and be a man. Life’s not fair. I started that message early.

Society emphatically will not teach a boy how to be a man in 2024. I plan on putting him in wrestling when he turns 4. Like I said in my prior comment and expecting him to do difficult things in life without complaint. Breaking down with emotion is a privilege that men don’t always get to have.

Also probably a boy thing, potty training was a struggle for a bit since he told us shitting his pants was “Fun! BIG Fun!” Yeah… Okay bro…

Expand full comment
founding

I hope he learns to be tough but soft from me. I don't think I've had the relationship problems that men commonly have with women since I was raised by a single mom and grew up watching soap operas with her everyday lol.

When he's older I intend to make him look a person in the eye shake their hand and say hes sorry, when he makes mistakes. But then hug him and tell him i'm proud of him.

Expand full comment

words of advice Read "Turtles all the way down" and both books by RFK on Anthony Fauci and the Wuhan Cover up. before agreeing to any vaccinations. Do not blindly accept the so call recommendations. Children Defense league (RFK Jr. outfit) has good information.

Expand full comment

Beautiful episode!

Expand full comment

Bari and Nellie,

I am a loyal listener and reader who recently became a grandpa (Papa) to my daughter's fraternal female twins, who turn 2 this August, and Baby Elliot, who was born on Shavuot last month.

I too was fairly set in my opinion about birth order, as we have 3 adult children, And I am the middle of 3 children. But the twin girls are so different.

One is a thinker, the other is a feeler.

One is more competitive, and the other passive.

So that blew out my birth order theory, but then again, in utero, the more completive one was a fighter, since she was first out and smaller. They had to closely monitor her to insure she was getting enough nutrition. So I guess the answer is, it depends.

Good luck, it will all be great!

Expand full comment